Marrying A Non Virgin

[*gupt-kaur*]

^^ whats wrong with u more like.... this is sikhsangat, not kaami sangat!!!!!!!!!

[xkaurx]

quote]

i hope that doesnt mean wot i think it does!!!!

but for the original poster.....do what your heart tells you, neither of you can change the past so theres no point really thinking about it, if it really is bothering you so much then maybe she just isnt the one? but atleast she told you before hand which was the right thing to do on her part. just give it time and you'l no wot 2 do

[Guest same old]

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

I have been in a similar situation, but not as bad as yours because the girl has lost her virginity to someone else before marriage and now and you are engaged to her, so forgive me if my words don't make sense. I know you are very angry at your fate, your life, and obviously the girl because at this point of time all 3 seem to have betrayed you. I used to think like you as well, and was adamant that I am never going to marry a non-virgin. I am still unmarried and a virgin by the way. But lets think about what exactly obstructs your mind. Is it your ego, that you are a virgin and so only someone who is as "pure" as you should be married to you? Or are you so unforgiving that you can't forgive someone's mistake? Remember Gurujee forgives millions of our most filthy sins in one instant when we whole-heartedly submit and surrender ourselves to Him and repent/regret our mistakes. One thing is for sure that this girl has been and probably will always be honest with you, so you cannot ignore that. Finding a loyal and honest spouse is extremely hard these days. The reason you are stuck is because you cannot break the engagement, and I really respect your decision not to disclose this dark secret of hers to anyone else. Why couldn't she wait, well, she made a mistake and didn't realize it then. You waited, consider yourself blessed.

I know it is very easy to type suggestions and give advices. The kind of hell you are going through, only you know it best. Put yourself in her place for a minute and try to imagine the kind of hell she is going through. It is probably a million times worse than yours. She is counting on you, she has been honest with you. You can't neglect that, can you?

All that said and done, I myself have certain reservations about such people, so I can't totally blame you. Here is what I suggest...

Case1: If she is ready to put aside her past and move forward into the future holding your hand, if she is ready to snap out of this painful experience and live a new life with you, if she is ready to NOT let this affect the future of the 2 of you, by all means go for it and marry her. She will love and respect you more than she would have if things were normal, and you would love, trust and respect her more than anyone else.

Case 2: If she is the Bollywood type who wants to wail and weep "Oh I can't forget him" "sniff-sniff" "A girl can't ever forget her first love", "How do I forget his first touch" blah blah blah, don't even listen to any of that bull$h!t. Forget all about it from there on. Make any excuse and get yourself out of this. You don't want to live the rest of your life with someone who always lives in the insecurities of her past. I get mad when girls don't even acknowledge the fact that they made a mistake. Rather, they say "I loved him, so I did it". Fine, now cry for him.

Whether you marry her or not is totally your decision, and a lot of it depends on both of you. But what matters the most are her intentions. She has been honest which I repeat is something amazing, but you have to be sure how and what you believe the future holds. Will her past haunt her? You bet it will! How will she react to it? Will she cringe and cry or will she stand up to it and face it with you on her side? Will you be able to support her emotionally through the turmoils of life? Especially the ones that may arise as a result of her past? Or will you leave her alone on her own to weep over it and curse her fate? It depends on both of you.

Forgive me if I sounded harsh, but I just tried my best to put forward few scenarios before you. Your best bet would be to do a sincere Ardas, and even better if you 2 do it together and ask Gurujee what to do by taking a Hukamnama after your Ardas. Maharaj knows best what the future holds, and will guide both of you through. Just be sure about (a.) Have full faith in Him and (b.) be ready to accept whatever Hukamnama you get.

Gurujee bless both of you, and may He guide you through.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

[Pheena]

The world isn't black and white...If you can't forgive others, don't expect God or anyone for that matter to forgive you for your mistakes. Did you consider the amount of courage it took her to tell you this? Give her some respect, she took a huge risk to her future and her (family's) honor by telling you this. Do you know what will happen to her if you tell your parents this? How will they react, are they going to tell her parents about this? You have to resolve this personally with yourself, don't bring anyone else into this. The moment you bring a third person into this, you would betray her trust that she confided in you to tell you perhaps her deepest secret. I hope you don't overlook this!

Trust my friend does not come by easily. It is time to look beyond the physical aspects of purity and learn to see whether she has a pure heart which far outweighs the physical aspects. Look beyond your ego and your purist view of yourself. Your preservation of your Virginity should humble you not harden your ego that you dare not touch others who are not worthy in your eyes. We all have our karmas that we must go through...you consider yourself fortunate to not have to deal with it, but where your experience should've given you a humble outlook towards those who aren't as pure as you, it has given you the direct opposite.

If God looked at all your mistakes and said well He's not pure like me, do you think you'd be where you are now?

The decision after all is yours to make....I can only voice my opinion.

[ugurpals93]

yeah i agree with next man sayin break her off and expose the <mod-cut>

Mod note: This is your second and final warning. If you are incapable of giving advice as per Gurmat then don't post in this section.

[NIHANG_AK47]

of course theres gna be so many people saying forgive and forget. thats cus half the people on this site have been messing about themselves. people need to learn that theres consequences for their actions.

as for ur question, u the 1 that gna have to live the rest of ur life with the decision. make it urself. do wat u think is right.

[Guest original poster]

The world isn't black and white...If you can't forgive others, don't expect God or anyone for that matter to forgive you for your mistakes. Did you consider the amount of courage it took her to tell you this? Give her some respect, she took a huge risk to her future and her (family's) honor by telling you this. Do you know what will happen to her if you tell your parents this? How will they react, are they going to tell her parents about this? You have to resolve this personally with yourself, don't bring anyone else into this. The moment you bring a third person into this, you would betray her trust that she confided in you to tell you perhaps her deepest secret. I hope you don't overlook this!

Trust my friend does not come by easily. It is time to look beyond the physical aspects of purity and learn to see whether she has a pure heart which far outweighs the physical aspects. Look beyond your ego and your purist view of yourself. Your preservation of your Virginity should humble you not harden your ego that you dare not touch others who are not worthy in your eyes. We all have our karmas that we must go through...you consider yourself fortunate to not have to deal with it, but where your experience should've given you a humble outlook towards those who aren't as pure as you, it has given you the direct opposite.

If God looked at all your mistakes and said well He's not pure like me, do you think you'd be where you are now?

The decision after all is yours to make....I can only voice my opinion.

im NEVER going to betray her trust and i fully understand what she is going through i took that on the minute she told me BUT i am also dealing with what im going through.......I dont think im perfect or anything like i havent made a major mistakes in my life i have made the right choices i dont think less of her the minute she told me. however, this IS having an affect on me.......for a while i did go down the route of "why me" but i snapped out of it.....i just need time to think but thats the problem i dont have time the wedding is getting closer so what should i do.......i realise she couldnt have told me the minute she meant me becuase she had to work out what type of man i was and based on that she told me. I respect her alot for telling me everything but she tells me she is messed up not only because of her past but also she does not want to let me down......i keep telling her im nobody special but she says im the best thing thats ever happened to her and she doesnt want to lose me......i dont know what to do you know im just lost.......she has totally let that guy go emotionally and now hates him because of i try to calm her down but she get emotional. she beats herself up because she doesnt want to lose me (her words)...........................

[SunSingh]

You shoudl wait until you're over your shock before making a decision. Whatever you do it should be based on your own ideas and not those of others trying to influence you to do / not do something that you may regret. Whatever choice you make, you should remember that this girl took a risk in sharing this info about herself with you. You must respect her privacy and make sure this incredibly hurtful info doesn't get back to her parents, as she has clearly changed her beliefs, there is no benefit in them knowing.

Try this exercise:

1. Create a mental image of a table with 6 chairs.

2. In five of the chairs are your attitudes. The attitudes are: Caution,

Reckless, Negative, Positive, and Creative. The sixth chair is yours.

3. Whenever you have a major decision to make mentally sit with

your five attitudes and think about the decision’s end result if you were

cautious, then if you were reckless, then negative, then positive, and

then if you were creative. You’ll have a better idea of what to do. think about it in terms of Sikhi, future happiness etc. And remember that a person's past has nothing to do with how good a sikh they can be. After all, the first Gurdwara was started by a man who used to rob and kill sadhus.

[NIHANG_AK47]

lol

yeh man sit around a table with 6 empty chairs, that will do it.

gurmat will solve everything. think gurmat not tables and chairs.

[Guest Senghhhhhhhhh]

i agree with most of the people that are saying to forgive her are not virgins themselves.

in a virgins point of view, i belive its wrong. nothing comes first to be more than my own respect. and having sex before marriage shows she dont respect her self.

singh trust me, u keeping your kaam under control, u need some one thats much better, someones whos on the same purity level as you.

why do the crime if you cant do the time????????? why is it that she dont want her parents finding out, will she loose her respect? her respect was gone the day she commited the sin.

singh this is a serious matter, you cant base your life on a having doubts on your other half.

do as your heart wishes