What to do to have a happy married life

[Guest gur ji guest]

Satsriakal ji 

I am 26 yrs old did an intercaste marriage with jatt Sikh boy was a love marriage after having a affair of 2 yrs. I expressed myself to him told everything about me before marriage had stared doing Sikh path with my consent to please him and his family. My name got changed after my marriage as per my mother in law demand. Its been 3 yrs now and having a baby girl too of 1 year. But there have been lot of conflicts between me and my husband over petty issues. Every couple has such problems on day to day basis but it doesn't mean that they get separated forever. But every time I had to bear such situation when my husband start living a reluctant life. He remains quite happy without me but when I approach him he starts getting so so angry and doesn't even listen to me. Always keep finding faults and never appreciates my concerns. Though I have also made mistakes in such anger but I relised too confessed all my issues want to have a loving marriage life with him but he doesn't bother. My and his parents are also involved in this. They are in the favor of reunion but every time my husband gets dominate and scolds me a lot. I feel humiliated in front of him. But no one can do anything say our parents as it is our personal decision. We both don't have any harmony and if I talk to him on this he insults me a lot then he poses some conditions and then he gets okay. But after two or three days if I ask him or say him something even in a polite way he gives the same expression and say I won't talk to you anymore. What to do in such situation. I feel he won't get fine with me. Now my parents also putting pressure on me to live here only with him and to adjust as it was a marriage of my own choice. Kindly help and suggest what to do..? Which path should I do to get him back to get his affection back..? It seems very tough to live with him 

[Guest Just Be]

11 hours ago, Guest gur ji guest said:

Satsriakal ji 

I am 26 yrs old did an intercaste marriage with jatt Sikh boy was a love marriage after having a affair of 2 yrs. I expressed myself to him told everything about me before marriage had stared doing Sikh path with my consent to please him and his family. My name got changed after my marriage as per my mother in law demand. Its been 3 yrs now and having a baby girl too of 1 year. But there have been lot of conflicts between me and my husband over petty issues. Every couple has such problems on day to day basis but it doesn't mean that they get separated forever. But every time I had to bear such situation when my husband start living a reluctant life. He remains quite happy without me but when I approach him he starts getting so so angry and doesn't even listen to me. Always keep finding faults and never appreciates my concerns. Though I have also made mistakes in such anger but I relised too confessed all my issues want to have a loving marriage life with him but he doesn't bother. My and his parents are also involved in this. They are in the favor of reunion but every time my husband gets dominate and scolds me a lot. I feel humiliated in front of him. But no one can do anything say our parents as it is our personal decision. We both don't have any harmony and if I talk to him on this he insults me a lot then he poses some conditions and then he gets okay. But after two or three days if I ask him or say him something even in a polite way he gives the same expression and say I won't talk to you anymore. What to do in such situation. I feel he won't get fine with me. Now my parents also putting pressure on me to live here only with him and to adjust as it was a marriage of my own choice. Kindly help and suggest what to do..? Which path should I do to get him back to get his affection back..? It seems very tough to live with him 

Divorce him. We're free to live as we choose, if he's being an as- hole tell him you want a divorce. Respect yourself. A marriage is meant to be sacred union to Love each other and be there for each other in sickness and health. It's about mutual respect. You are meant to Love each other. If he cant even do that, then divorce and move forward with your life. Be a strong Sikh Woman, we are not cowardly Muslims. 

[Guest Marriedbutnot]

Im in the same situation but its my wife who just wont sort things out. Weve.been living  together but as flat mates for a year. She just doesnt care. My inlaws think shes right and shes filled them with just part of the facts so they blame me. But my wife just wont address the issue. Sometimes i think this is why theres so many bad things happen. How can you be faithfull to one person for the rest of your life if that person treats you so bad. I might as well call her my  sisiter. But Maharaj kirpa we should be strong and not let ourselves live in a sad or bad enviroment. Sometimes it just takes time for things to change. Its just reallly hard. Nitnem, simran, seva will give us strength

[Guest Reet]

Divorce him. Do you want your baby girl to grow up watching her father constantly fighting with her mother (you). Is it safe for her? For her overall health? Women tend to hold on to marriage very tightly.they are asked to adjust and accept it as fate or god's will. Your parents aren't the ones bearing his comments and taunts and fights. You are. In a few years, you will be "expected" to turn be a baby machine and bear him a son. This will further complicate things. Get this thing straight- he is NEVER going to change his ways. N.E.V.E.R. 

I have seen this happening first hand in my home. My father was constantly fighting with my mother. When I was in preschool he began hitting me. I am 25 & having serious mental health issues. I blame both my parents for this. Not God or anyone else. 

[jkvlondon 5,001]

I am hearing that you have support from your elders and they are keen for you both to work things out, remember that he was YOUR choice for over two years so there was some meeting of minds , can you not reignite that ? Is there other aspects to this situation like lack of son , money problems, career/job frustrations ? Sometimes guys are angry with something else but take it out on the person at home , unfair I know but it is a common thing. Marriage is not bollywood style or hollywood movie style , it is messy, tiring, sometimes up sometimes down much like life in general , if you both want to you can make it better or worse based on attitude and words. I do not agree with the other two bibis who are quick to jump to divorce , you have a lovely daughter and a loving family (agreed they didn't initially agree but they have changed to accept)  it would be very chanchal and petulant to just do that . I am not saying take bad treatment but you need to face your own faults , and confront his role in this sad affair ...you really need to find out what his take is without the pressure of family . Maybe go on a day trip or weekend away together , sometimes we go into autopilot in married life especially after kids  that we unthinkingly shut ourselves out from a close relationship with our LIFE partner, stop talking , just go through the routine of life. Have a break from that and reconnect as humans , as friends. Do ardas That Guru ji opens up your hearts again into sikhi and you get back on the path to true married life... 

Much love ...a veteran of twenty plus years ...stay in chardikala

[Not2Cool2Argue 501]

If u are looking for some bani to help u out, do as many paaths of japji sahib, sukhmani sahib and shabads. Also do ardaas, its very important. Also do dukh bhajani sahib

[DSG 25]

Guest Gurji , 

This is a very difficult one , and really sympathise with you .  I know couples who after 17 years +  being together have split up , and its really tough for a woman, physically and emotionally. Its really hard to envisage what your a going through and dont really see it adequate to give you advice but something is telling me to share the experience of the couples who have divorced , which may help you and above all Guru Maharaj will definitely help you.

1. Be strong , have faith in Guru Maharaj.

2. When you come home , put on shabad kirtan , reharas paath , sukhmani sahib . Have Kirtan playing in the background. YOur saviour , person who you can talk to , to get advice will be Guru Maharaj. 

3. Have you seeked marriage guidance ? Dont bottle in your thoughts , speak to or family and Guru Maharaj.

3. Think about the future and be prepared . Are you working , can you pay the bills , who will look after your child . Sad but true these are things that will keep going round and round in your mind.... Be strong , dont take any rash decisions . Go to the Gurudawara once/twice a week keep up the routine , again Guru Maharaj will definitely guide you.

I sincerely hope that you make the right decision and live a happy and prosperous life . Above all have 100% faith in Guru Maharaj ( also start reading Gurbani , read Sikh history , go to Basics of Sikhi site and view their material. Start teaching your Child about Sikhi , with Guru Maharaj ji's kirpa , your husband might see the positive energy in you and your child and realise his wrong doings.

[Guest SSA]

SSA

 

I have same issues with my husband too.we are together from 13 years and have 3 kids from 4 yearz our life sometimes very happy sometimes sad.i do japji sahib path and living with my husband because my kids can't live without him.he insult me too.much from 2 years and i discussed with him why he hate me he said he start meditation and his aggressive behavior will go up for few months after that it will be normal? Is that true because he do path at 1am or 2am he said he searching about after death life.but he doesn't care about his kids and about me now. Please i need advice if really this is happened  or not.he talk all day on phone about mediation with his friend .i am very confused 

Now i give up and thinking about separate from him but my family said just do more path he will change one day. His behavior affects on my older kids.

[Guest Waheguru]

AMRITDHARI GURSIKH WAY- Divorce always seems the easy way out but it is NOT. Begin by appreciating what you have, if your husband is treating you badly then you need to think of what you may be doing to provoke it and maybe he is getting the same vibe from you. Try focusing on the positive things and your happy moments because whatever your focus will be is what you'll see more of. Whatever has happened accept it as it is the past and focus on your future. 99 percent people will say have a divorce because they don't have to deal with the later consequences. Please don't take me wrong if it was an physically abusive relationship and adultery etc then other advice may been applicable but considering its small petty things those things we can control. 

Just have one faith in your mind you had anand karaj, Guru Ram Das jis laavan have power - if they didn't guru ji would've just recommended a court marriage etc but Guru Ram Das ji is the third person in your marriage, if you both are failing then turn to Guru Ji. Do paath- thir ghar baiso har Jan pyare satgur tumare kaaj svaare. 

If you have loved once you can love again - GURU RAM DAS RAKHO SARANEE. Look carefully you may be missing signs of when your husband is loving you but because you have a mindset stuck in your head you are not able to see those efforts. 

I pray that no gursikh has to break their laavan for small petty reasons because we all have to be pesh infront of Guru Ram Das ji- no paper/ law can demolish the union the Guru has made and when we go up there maharaj ji will ask us why we gave up why we didn't trust him. After the darkest nights are the brightest mornings. If you stay strong during these hard times and remain positive you'll see that your marriage foundation will be strong than people who have been married many years BUT you have to love your relationship BE BRAVE BE STRONG BE POSITIVE. If you have a negative outlook you can't have a positive result. 

May waheguru ji spread his love and grace on all marriages. This message may not just be for you but for others too who have abandoned their marriage. - Guru Ram Das ji has brought you together, think back to the way you met- do not take it in your own hands to separate- trust him, pray to him and believe in him. every morning just thank him and say thank you for restoring my Marriage and have faith that he is doing that .... Then watch the miracles happen. People who have separated, haven't had contact for months come back together with Guru Ram Das jis grace - HAVE FAITH

[puzzled 1,943]

Kids are the ones that suffer from this stupidity the most, especially the eldest. 

[Guest Thank ji]

I totally understand kids suffer from it my older son notice all these things and upset. My husband come to home for 30min or 1 hour only all day stay outside even if i try to talk and say kids really miss him he left again. He left from home 2 weeks come back for 2 day or 3 again left my kids are really miss him but he ignored all of us.i do japji sahib path and mool mantar from so.many years but i don't understand why our life have these issue .now i feel depressed too because its affect on our kids too.i don't want divorce because my kids need father too and i am very strong to face all these but right now our condition wrose because he not coming home for 2 or 3weeks. I am praying to GOD he will understand. He saying only enjoy your life .Don't think about me i am gonna enjoy my life.

Please advise me if any bani make me more strong so i will give good life to my kids.and my husband will come back in family. Kids really need him.

[puzzled 1,943]

On 3/31/2020 at 7:01 PM, Guest Thank ji said:

I totally understand kids suffer from it my older son notice all these things and upset. My husband come to home for 30min or 1 hour only all day stay outside even if i try to talk and say kids really miss him he left again. He left from home 2 weeks come back for 2 day or 3 again left my kids are really miss him but he ignored all of us.i do japji sahib path and mool mantar from so.many years but i don't understand why our life have these issue .now i feel depressed too because its affect on our kids too.i don't want divorce because my kids need father too and i am very strong to face all these but right now our condition wrose because he not coming home for 2 or 3weeks. I am praying to GOD he will understand. He saying only enjoy your life .Don't think about me i am gonna enjoy my life.

Please advise me if any bani make me more strong so i will give good life to my kids.and my husband will come back in family. Kids really need him.

Have absolute faith in guru nanak dev ji, my mums friends husband ran away with a pakistani woman  and my mums friend started crying before guru nanak dev ji and she asked him to help her from the bottom of her heart.   She then had a vision of guru nanak dev ji in her dream and guru sahib told her that she is doing the right thing and is on the right path and that her husband will come back. Few days later her husband came back. This happened here in the UK. 

We often pray and do ardaas but have no faith.  We pray but in our minds we dont have faith and feel hopeless     we even try to convince ourselves that we have faith sometimes. Need to pray with full faith that waheguru will help us.  Praying with doubt in your heart doesnt work.   

When a child asks his parent for something he asks with full faith that hes gnna get what he wants. 

Waheguru is our father   

[puzzled 1,943]

Theres definitely a lot of problems In punjabi men and women   some deep rooted issues  and these filter down into the kids.   

Theres a lot of bad parenting as well, especially among our parents generation.   They torment the kids.   Iv seen a lot of messed up cousin because their parents had issues and were bad parents. 

I dnt know y they have these issues. 

Alot of older punjabis seem emotionally imbalanced.

My dad has some issues as well     hes really angry    he was horrible to us growing up. 

I dnt know y people from that generation are like that 

[MisterrSingh 3,445]

29 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Theres definitely a lot of problems In punjabi men and women   some deep rooted issues  and these filter down into the kids.   

Theres a lot of bad parenting as well, especially among our parents generation.   They torment the kids.   Iv seen a lot of messed up cousin because their parents had issues and were bad parents. 

I dnt know y they have these issues. 

Alot of older punjabis seem emotionally imbalanced.

My dad has some issues as well     hes really angry    he was horrible to us growing up. 

I dnt know y people from that generation are like that 

I'm not trying to downplay the problems in our community, but there's so much of what you've described in other communities, too, and in some cases it's worse. 

I don't like the misplaced arrogance in our people. There's no conceivable justification for it, and it seems especially jarring when it comes from someone who doesn't realise how silly they are.

Not a fan of loud Punjabis who revel in trivialities and general noise. Exuberant and jovial behaviour is fine, but being rowdy, uncouth and coarse is horrible. The coconuts who exhibit this particular type of Punjabi boisterous behaviour and couple it with an extreme western secularism are just too much, lol. Canadian Sikhs are particularly symptomatic of this manner of being. 

Thankfully I wasn't exposed to a culture of drinking and partying, but I have observed it from a distance, and I'm left dismayed. It's little to do with being overtly religious or austere; it's simply a matter of propriety and decorum.

[puzzled 1,943]

11 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

I'm not trying to downplay the problems in our community, but there's so much of what you've described in other communities, too, and in some cases it's worse. 

I don't like the misplaced arrogance in our people. There's no conceivable justification for it, and it seems especially jarring when it comes from someone who doesn't realise how silly they are.

Not a fan of loud Punjabis who revel in trivialities and general noise. Exuberant and jovial behaviour is fine, but being rowdy, uncouth and coarse is horrible. The coconuts who exhibit this particular type of Punjabi boisterous behaviour and couple it with an extreme western secularism are just too much, lol. Canadian Sikhs are particularly symptomatic of this manner of being. 

Thankfully I wasn't exposed to a culture of drinking and partying, but I have observed it from a distance, and I'm left dismayed. It's little to do with being overtly religious or austere; it's simply a matter of propriety and decorum.

But why do parents behave like that? They have issues. Happy mum making rotis in kitchen and dad running around with kids on shoulders is just bs  iv never seen that in any punjabi family, atleast not the ones I know. Most punjabi men women seem disturbed and cant cope with relationships.

I really dnt like the loud  boisterous punjabis either     just really annoying 

I grew up with drinking and partying around me    back in the 90s there used to be punjabi families living around our house and every weekend the men used to get together and have drinking parties. They used to rotate whose house these parties were held in. Me and the other kids always used to be present that these parties. Just lots of alcohol and lots of meat  And old punjabi music!   The local divorced punjabi slappers used to come around as well sometimes for glassy. Then the alcohol used to run out so one of the men used go to the local off licence to buy another 2 or 3 bottles   I used to go to the off licence with them haha!  I even knew the names of the bottles as a kid!  Famous grouse whisky was quite a popular 1  lol    

I remember the man at the shop used to wrap the bottle in newspaper. 

Our neighbours bazurg used to get really drunk and then the men used to carry him to his house couple of houses down from ours    i remember he once was so drunk he fell into the Bush LMAO   we used call him papa 

Around 2003 everyone started moving areas and their kids grew up   so thats when these parties started disappearing.

Yh some  interesting childhood memories there lol