Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Guest gur ji guest

What to do to have a happy married life

Recommended Posts

18 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

How did your baba treat your dad?

The level of treatment by the older generation by their parents was far worse.

They were beaten with belts, fists.

Sometimes with past traumas, you can get triggered by certain things and the anger suddenly comes out.

That is a big reason why alcohol is why prevalent in our community. 

A lot of middle aged punjabi men want to kill themselves. They can't just hang themselves,  so they drink themselves to death.

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

To be fair, their objective experiences of the life they've lived and the conclusions they've drawn from those experiences can't really be faulted, but anything outside their immediate sphere of existence, i.e. the wider world beyond their own life and everything that happens in it, is completely skewed. YET they talk as if they have it all figured out, hehe. The most glaring fault I can pinpoint in their perception of reality is the complete ignorance of modern gender dynamics and how this issue in particular affects the younger generations in decisions such as partner selection and marriage. They seem to be under the impression that the females of today are EXACTLY of the same stock, temperament, and demeanour of their wives, which iswrong on so many levels. While I do believe our and younger generations are guilty are over-thinking things and not just biting the bullet on occasions, there's little to no understanding of the incredible shift in social and legislative isshes that definitely impact the covenant between man and wife. These things aren't even a blip on their radar.

Let's keep it real. They are often stoic simpletons (both male and female), and these characteristics worked for them and their times and situation, but as you allude to, SO MUCH has changed in society since then (not just gender dynamics), they seem to be in a time warp - and I don't think they have the cognitive capacity to even grasp that. They have limited cognitive capacities. A lot flies over their heads. Which was actually a bonus in the (sometimes subtly sometimes overtly) racist, hostile environment they immigrated to and prospered in. We live in a different world to them, one they can't comprehend. The world will never return to like it was in their time.  For all the good they did in establishing things, we can't ignore how much they missed the ball on certain crucial issues like propagating the faith and language to youngers in a supportive, dynamic way. The way they missed the whole grooming thing going on under their noses for decades and decades says it all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, puzzled said:

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

My baba immigrated and left my father and his siblings over there for a while. I don't think they were treated good by the relatives they were left in the care of, stuff like that can also affect psyches. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, puzzled said:

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

It would help to understand your dad better.

You should ask your bhua.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean look at us right now:

What we are talking about, trying to make sense of things, sharing experiences. I could never have done this in my time growing up. People didn't openly talk. Everything was bottled up. Younguns were considered morons to be beaten into submission and compliance. Your opinions and feelings were worth nothing. lol 

And I see some people of my generations still sort of repeat aspects of this (minus the beatings), we have to break the cycle and not perpetuate the more negative behaviours. You need a strong critical mind for that, or you'll just do what the olders did.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

I mean look at us right now:

What we are talking about, trying to make sense of things, sharing experiences. I could never have done this in my time growing up. People didn't openly talk. Everything was bottled up. Younguns were considered morons to be beaten into submission and compliance. Your opinions and feelings were worth nothing. lol 

And I see some people of my generations still sort of repeat aspects of this (minus the beatings), we have to break the cycle and not perpetuate the more negative behaviours. You need a strong critical mind for that, or you'll just do what the olders did.   

Yh but I wouldn't talk about this with friends or family openly     being anonymous on here gets you to talk about stuff which you wouldn't in real

Me, my mum or my sister dnt talk about my dad     or what he did to us/me   

My mum knows I didnt have it easy with him   I was the eldest    but we dnt talk about stuff like that lol!

I would never do that to my kids what he did to me  

He even used to beat me to eat food and  then stand there watching then I used to end up throwing up in the sink.

Who the hell does that 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fair play, though, I am incredibly grateful to our elders who toiled and grafted seven days a week at times when they came to the West so that we could sit here decades later and critique their mishaps and failings, lmao. Seriously, I sound like one of those soft Western born Punjabis who writes Guardian articles about how his dad never hugged him when growing up. Honestly, I'm not one of those guys. 😂 Parnaam Siyaneyeh Nu. 👏

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't even want to f*king talk about my dad.  lol

All I'm trying to say is that change is needed, and the changes are likely to be significant! We can't navigate the current climate and environment doing what they did, in a variety of ways, and that's not just child rearing. That ain't to knock them, but all generations have to face this. We have excess conservatism that outsiders are exploiting horrifically. Want to put a hard check on that. We can't do it alone, we have to do it together, or at least as a powerful group within our community. 

 Having worked in construction for a couple of years now, I have first hand seen the exploitation and subtle abuse the olders had to contend with. It was probably not even subtle like it is now back then! In that respect I have the most respect for them. But a lot of things have to change.  And learning from their strengths and weaknesses is a smart thing. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Fair play, though, I am incredibly grateful to our elders who toiled and grafted seven days a week at times when they came to the West so that we could sit here decades later and critique their mishaps and failings, lmao. Seriously, I sound like one of those soft Western born Punjabis who writes Guardian articles about how his dad never hugged him when growing up. Honestly, I'm not one of those guys. 😂 Parnaam Siyaneyeh Nu. 👏

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, puzzled said:

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

I'm not saying you were! I was commenting on what some might perceive my earlier post to be a little harsh on them. 😀

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

I'm not saying you were! I was commenting on what some might perceive my earlier post to be a little harsh on them. 😀

oh   ok   lol 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, puzzled said:

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

That's universally recognised in psychology (which I'm not saying nails everything!)

The perpetuation or effects of previous generations actions upon us. Especially with attachment issues, trust, how we perceive the world, relationships. It's not wrote in stone though, if you have certain 'protective factors' (as they refer to them in psychology) like intelligence (I might have?), looks (not sure, but even if I have some, the other insecurities I might have override any ego on that), alternative support networks (some, including this and another forum) then you can maybe start to conceptualise things in a way that helps you out of the maze that it can sometimes seem we are in.   

Honestly, in all my many weaknesses, given that I'm not particularly prone to trusting, simran (or 'meditation') has REALLY helped me understand myself. Will I resolve all of my issues - probably not. But at least I am not oblivious to having them or that they can exist, and where some of them might stem from like some others in similar circumstances - f**k it! like some of my very own siblings. 

These things might affect us, and if you are blessed with enough intelligence to even grasp that, at least you have some chance of not being a complete slave to the past. 

Regarding elders and the past: In the words of Bruce Lee - Reject what is useless and absorb what is useful.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Sister

SSA original poster

Penji I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your situation many a times. You ask husband if they are well? No reply. Silence. Come 5 minutes later husband's phone rings he has a full conversation with his friend. You ask husband what he would like to eat? You make it. Husband will never say the food tastes nice. Instead you are sworn at because the food doesn't taste nice. Every day you are ridiculed and ignored. You sit near him for his attention - even try to make him laugh and smile and husband just ignores you. Like a child you beg (in your mind) to be hugged and comforted just like when you first got married... but husband doesn't even glance. You wait for your husband in the evenings he comes at midnight. The only time husband hugs or talks to you is when he needs s3x. The next morning he won't even look at you. To be punched and beat up for "spending too much money." To never be told you look beautiful. To never be told 'I love you'- when you tell your husband I still love you. Penji this is the life we live. Yes we cry when we are hurt emotionally and physically. Loved ones (parents) are sworn at (the worst pain) and we cant say much back.

Sorry I had to let that out. I know it's hard. But I am sure you agree that we grin and bear it to keep the picture perfect image for our kids and relatives. A different story indoors and a different story outdoors. The perfect happy family. What I do during what I call 'Angry Husband Flare Ups' is

- I stop trying.

I stop trying to reach out to him. I stop taking a interest in him. If he doesn't need/want me in his life then I make it easier for him. I literally just do my 'housewife' job. Cook and clean for him. No eye contact. No excessive conversation.

- I live my life with my kids and my Guru. My life routine is with my kids. If I want to watch a movie - I do it with my kids. I feel sad and need to cry - I do it with my kids. If they ask why I am crying - I'm sorry I do lie and say I have a headache/tummyache. If they ask me was it because daddy hit you. I say no we were playing/wreastling/martial arts (This has stopped working now recently though - my kids have said no daddy was angry when he hit you he wasn't playing). I will find a new excuse. 

Ever since these 'flare ups' I have found happiness with my life centralised around my children. We do EVERYTHING together. They treat me like a sister more than their mummy. Which makes me feel accepted and loved.  My kids save my life. Everytime. 

Once husband sees that your and kid's life is still moving on whether he wants to share this invaluable experience of parenting and marital life or not he is bound to change. A little. I am a happier person even on flare up days. I have learnt to brush it off. Any insults or physical force I just cry them out and move on. I think I have become dead to these actions. Once the flare ups pass and husband sees that family is still rolling on you will see your husband too. Coming back to you saying sorry and explaining his behaviour. The same old sh1t. Play happy families again and then another flare up. Don't worry though ever since I have stopped caring the flare ups have got shorter and less severe. So kids dobt have to witness much. I have started to see myself and my husband more and more as two souls and how this thing isn't forever. The soul can't be hurt. I find Waheguru's play funny now. He must laugh at each household. All I know is I teach my kids (esp. Sons) Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji's maryada that REAL Singhs don't hit women. I also do ardas that Waheguru will marry my daughter to a REAL Singh when she grows up. I spoke to my inlaws who brush their son up that he is lucky to have a good family. Husband seems well adjusted to family life for now.

I would say stop caring so much, do your wife role. Live your life with your kids. Tell your inlaws if they will listen. Show your husband that you still have a life with your kids even if he doesn't have time for you. Try to exit the room before he becomes physical. Ignore the verbal. Have Kirtan on your phone. Learn, eat, pray play and have fun with your kids. Change your household atomsphere to the one you want. Your husband will come to realise he needs to change.

Life is too short. Sometimes you have to endure hardships for a better fruit/reward - your children's happiness.

This is my experience. I don't know the level of pain you are in. I can't advise you professionally. I am just sharing snippets from pages of my life. Time makes things better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/8/2020 at 2:39 AM, Guest Sister said:

Penji I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your situation many a times. You ask husband if they are well? No reply. Silence. Come 5 minutes later husband's phone rings he has a full conversation with his friend. You ask husband what he would like to eat? You make it. Husband will never say the food tastes nice. Instead you are sworn at because the food doesn't taste nice. Every day you are ridiculed and ignored. You sit near him for his attention - even try to make him laugh and smile and husband just ignores you. Like a child you beg (in your mind) to be hugged and comforted just like when you first got married... but husband doesn't even glance. You wait for your husband in the evenings he comes at midnight. The only time husband hugs or talks to you is when he needs s3x. The next morning he won't even look at you. To be punched and beat up for "spending too much money." To never be told you look beautiful. To never be told 'I love you'- when you tell your husband I still love you. Penji this is the life we live. Yes we cry when we are hurt emotionally and physically. Loved ones (parents) are sworn at (the worst pain) and we cant say much back.

Sorry I had to let that out. I know it's hard. But I am sure you agree that we grin and bear it to keep the picture perfect image for our kids and relatives. A different story indoors and a different story outdoors. The perfect happy family. What I do during what I call 'Angry Husband Flare Ups' is

This sounds a lot like NPD. Narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to look into it? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  



  • Topics

  • Posts

    • If this is accurate then sikhs had a very high growth/birth rate in the 60s till the mid 70s and then the growth rate started declining.   
    • your right about that we can also see that with whites and sikhs who live in america, canada and well of spacey parts of the UK where they have very little interaction with muslim ghettos in large numbers. These people tend have flavorable views of islam and muslims but the Sikhs who actually live in parts dominated by muslims know the score they see how muslims subjudgate and look down upon non-muslims and its those Sikhs who show us the glimpse of the future of minorities once muslims take over areas and lands.
    • Your average sikh in punjab probably has hardly had much contact with a muslim tbh  muslims make only around 1% of punjabs population.  The Sikhs that witnessed the partition are now really old or dead. So sikhs in pubjab have no ide what it is like living with muslims when their population is large. Your average sikh in punjab has probably just spoken to kashmiri carpet sellers and gujjars and that's it. Hindus on the other hand in places like UP  know what it's like living with a sizable muslim population, the hindus in Bengal know, delhi, etc   same with the Buddhist in Myanmar and us sikhs in the west, basically anyone anywhere in the world where there is a large muslim population knows what it's like!  Whenever sikhs in punjab see acts of violence against muslims in other states they get all defensive of the muslims because they have no idea what it is like living with a large muslim population.  That's why sikhs in Malerkotla were protesting against the caa Once the population of muslims is a big minority in punjab only then will they know what it's like. Until then there really is not much you can do  Other than wait for them to experience it themselves. 
    • I dont think the are abrahamics are ones who run india i think the ones who really rule are adharmic atheists types who use religions to suit their needs. and your right about the need to be adharmic and last time that happened Sikhs were able to get rule. Sad reality of this world and existence in order to get political power or stop being genocided yourself you have to be ruthless and adharmi at times too to stop your own people getting exterminated. From my analysis the only thing preventing Sikhs from reacting violently at the moment is betrayal from fellow Sikhs. We learn't from 1984 that the Sikhs themselves were indian agents working part of the indian establishments agenda. Theres cases going through indian courts right now where akali dali members of punjab Parliament were convicted of killing innocent civilians who they later blamed on sant bhindranwale and gave the indian state justification to attack darbar sahib. But some how these same people survived all the state violence and eventually got selected by akali dali for political power? This is why no one trusts akali dal and any jathabandi any more because we dont know whose working for who. But what we do know is anyone killing innocent civilians is defo not working for the interests of the sikh community and defo some governments agents.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use