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Guest BroodySingh

Bengali Problem

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Guest BroodySingh

SSA

Have a 21 year old son that is seeing a Bengali girl. Our whole family is trying to keep it quiet so it wont affect his siblings future prospects on the shame and anger we feel.

I know its sad but growing up there was nothing but contempt for the muslim-culture and way of life.  Don't get me wrong I have met some decent people that happened to be muslims but intermarry wasn't even thought of in our darkest dreams. It's very unlikely that this person would convert to Sikhi and the abominable thought that our child could covert to islam would kill us.

He has had some issues in the past but frankly us as parents are losing this battle because we have pleaded with him to stop but he wont stop seeing her. He insists she is not religious but what we can gather is her parents are elderly and don't give a monkeys about how their daughter(s) live their lives. He is easily led and she may have been the listening / sympathetic ear that he felt he missed in his own family. He probably assumed he couldn't. We have forgiven him for some of the stupid things he has done so far and now we cant for this.

His mother is absolutely devastated as she had prospective introductions to girls from our own community lined up within the natural Sikh-Punjabi environment.  Things will be soon coming to a head and he will have to choose  his family or this girl as we wont accept the relationship.

This girl is neither academically sound, above average in looks or wealthy. She is short and fat and doesn't want a Bengali boy from her own community because of the contempt she has for them. The pair of idiots met at work and presumably the relationship started from there. He even has Mrs xxxx (his surname) on his phone as her name. I keep waiting for the relationship to peter out naturally but my wife is afraid its only going to go stronger and he will leave the family forever so it will have to come to a head sooner or later. 

My observation is that some of today's 20-25 year olds like my son have the bodies and facets of men but are brain age of about 14-16. Gaming, music and social media influences seem to be the norm and it's horrifying some of the stories you hear about these young idiots. He is a good boy generally, no drugs, alcohol abuse, gambling or other vices but he is directionless currently and refuses to listen to good advice from those around him.

I am at a loss on how to tackle this issue with my own prejudices, the changing face of our society, the despair of our family and the way forward. Any previous experiences shared would be appreciated.

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On 2/3/2020 at 11:08 AM, Guest BroodySingh said:

SSA

Have a 21 year old son that is seeing a Bengali girl. Our whole family is trying to keep it quiet so it wont affect his siblings future prospects on the shame and anger we feel.

I know its sad but growing up there was nothing but contempt for the muslim-culture and way of life.  Don't get me wrong I have met some decent people that happened to be muslims but intermarry wasn't even thought of in our darkest dreams. It's very unlikely that this person would convert to Sikhi and the abominable thought that our child could covert to islam would kill us.

He has had some issues in the past but frankly us as parents are losing this battle because we have pleaded with him to stop but he wont stop seeing her. He insists she is not religious but what we can gather is her parents are elderly and don't give a monkeys about how their daughter(s) live their lives. He is easily led and she may have been the listening / sympathetic ear that he felt he missed in his own family. He probably assumed he couldn't. We have forgiven him for some of the stupid things he has done so far and now we cant for this.

His mother is absolutely devastated as she had prospective introductions to girls from our own community lined up within the natural Sikh-Punjabi environment.  Things will be soon coming to a head and he will have to choose  his family or this girl as we wont accept the relationship.

This girl is neither academically sound, above average in looks or wealthy. She is short and fat and doesn't want a Bengali boy from her own community because of the contempt she has for them. The pair of idiots met at work and presumably the relationship started from there. He even has Mrs xxxx (his surname) on his phone as her name. I keep waiting for the relationship to peter out naturally but my wife is afraid its only going to go stronger and he will leave the family forever so it will have to come to a head sooner or later. 

My observation is that some of today's 20-25 year olds like my son have the bodies and facets of men but are brain age of about 14-16. Gaming, music and social media influences seem to be the norm and it's horrifying some of the stories you hear about these young idiots. He is a good boy generally, no drugs, alcohol abuse, gambling or other vices but he is directionless currently and refuses to listen to good advice from those around him.

I am at a loss on how to tackle this issue with my own prejudices, the changing face of our society, the despair of our family and the way forward. Any previous experiences shared would be appreciated.

Have you tried fish? That usually solves any problem with a Bengali involved? 

Only joking lol. 

Iooks like your boy has fallen in love. Now if you stop him. He will only resent u for it. Try to make him come to his senses.

This whole situation smells fishy. No pun intended... 

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Sounds like she needs real family. What if you welcome her?  What if she learns to love Sat Naam because you love Sat Naam?

Sex is the original act of marriage, if they've consumated perhaps see if your daughter is a Sikh waiting to be shown the way. 

It is better to gain a daughter than lose a son. What better Karam than welcoming someone closer to Guru Ji. 

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On the topic of your family honor, it's more honorable that you be seen as a family who's men do not sleep with and discard women, but take their actions seriously. 

On the topic of forgiving your son? Who are you to question Vaheguru's Hukam for your sons learning?

You've had to forgive him so much but not this?  He struggled with drugs and stole your family's fortune? Burned down your house? You need to think about how loyal and how enduring your love is. 

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1 hour ago, Big_Tera said:

Iooks like your boy has fallen in love. Now if you stop him. He will only resent u for it. Try to make him come to his senses.

I agree. He's in love or at least whatever such a feeble mind considers to be love. Any attempts to part him from his lady love will be met with hostility and drama. 

***

I'd normally suggest in these situations to allow time to take its course, and let the attraction wane and come to an end, but if he's of marriageable age I think the girl in question has locked onto her target, and she means to marry him. There's no chance she's letting him out of her grasp unless something quite major happens to disrupt their relationship.

It's a tough situation. Without knowing more about the various personalities and temperaments involved it's difficult to suggest a further course of action. I wouldn't blame the girl. I know it seems she may have ensnared your "little boy" and played on his insecurities and needs, but you'd be surprised at the sides of our nearest and dearest that we never see that are, on the other hand, on constant show for friends and outsiders. 

If I was feeling harsh I'd pick you up on the fact that you clearly acknowledge there was a breakdown in communication between yourself and your son at a key time he needed support, and why that moment was allowed to evolve into what I'm assuming this situation has become, but I guess it happens.

I agree with your assessment about Sikh males in the West. They are a huge problem. For all their worldly education and credentials, it's quite horrific the extent to which they are utterly clueless about so many facets of life. But that's a discussion for another day.

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Guest BroodySingh
On 2/7/2020 at 10:29 PM, MisterrSingh said:

I agree. He's in love or at least whatever such a feeble mind considers to be love. Any attempts to part him from his lady love will be met with hostility and drama. 

***

I'd normally suggest in these situations to allow time to take its course, and let the attraction wane and come to an end, but if he's of marriageable age I think the girl in question has locked onto her target, and she means to marry him. There's no chance she's letting him out of her grasp unless something quite major happens to disrupt their relationship.

It's a tough situation. Without knowing more about the various personalities and temperaments involved it's difficult to suggest a further course of action. I wouldn't blame the girl. I know it seems she may have ensnared your "little boy" and played on his insecurities and needs, but you'd be surprised at the sides of our nearest and dearest that we never see that are, on the other hand, on constant show for friends and outsiders. 

If I was feeling harsh I'd pick you up on the fact that you clearly acknowledge there was a breakdown in communication between yourself and your son at a key time he needed support, and why that moment was allowed to evolve into what I'm assuming this situation has become, but I guess it happens.

I agree with your assessment about Sikh males in the West. They are a huge problem. For all their worldly education and credentials, it's quite horrific the extent to which they are utterly clueless about so many facets of life. But that's a discussion for another day.

Feeble minded is correct. His mother bends over backwards and he is short with her on the phone. Where is the respect there?

I would like to try and call the relationship bluff. Say ok - if your serious let’s meet the girl’s parents (elderly) supposedly at ease / don’t care  about relationship. 

You wish to be treated like an adult, one day this girl you intend on marrying will be our daughter in law, is she staying Muslim, is she converting, are you converting etc. Bengali ceremony or Sikh ceremony ? Children be half and half ? 

Currently unemployed, will she support you both or will you be running benefit scams like we’ve heard they do? 

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2 hours ago, Guest BroodySingh said:

Feeble minded is correct. His mother bends over backwards and he is short with her on the phone. Where is the respect there?

I would like to try and call the relationship bluff. Say ok - if your serious let’s meet the girl’s parents (elderly) supposedly at ease / don’t care  about relationship. 

You wish to be treated like an adult, one day this girl you intend on marrying will be our daughter in law, is she staying Muslim, is she converting, are you converting etc. Bengali ceremony or Sikh ceremony ? Children be half and half ? 

Currently unemployed, will she support you both or will you be running benefit scams like we’ve heard they do? 

All reasonable questions that any parent of any background with an interest in their offspring's lives would ask and expect some form of coherence as a response.

I'm assuming you're a generation and a bit older than me, so I can appreciate both sides of the argument to a certain degree. You're well within your rights to seize control of this situation, and put your foot down, if you're capable of it. This is the future of your family and your bloodline. There's no reason to be coy. 

This little infatuation will prove to be costly for your son. I wouldn't have objected too much if the girl had prospects or an inkling of ambition (and your son had an innate understanding of his responsibility to the faith he was born into), but there doesn't seem to be any of that. Based on your description of your son, he's not atypical of the kind of Western Punjabi male that's being raised in these lands. It's mental infirmity; a symptom of the culture and the environment. Equally, there are fathers who crack the whip from day one, yet they end up in arguably worse situations when the child reaches an age where they can exert their will and independence. So, it's very easy to knock the parents, but it's so much more complex than enforcing inflexible discipline.

There needs to be a deep affection rooted in respect - and perhaps a smidgen of fear -- on the part of the son. Otherwise, you get the kind of situation that you describe where he's being rude to his mother for the sake of his pathetic, subpar Romeo & Juliet routine that he's been lead to believe by a decadent culture, is the epitome of rebellion. 

Btw, don't expect your wife to resolve this issue through her interventions on the phone. From my observations in these types of situations, the mother desires a resolution, minus any of the difficult decision making and action required to actually see it through. Is she attempting to shush you up and not speak your mind so as not to alienate your son? That's going to lead nowhere aside from a constant yet glacier-like shifting of the advantage in your son's favour. He assumes he can wear you down and bank on your indulgence of him to see this through. If I were you, I'd call his bluff. Would he expect that, or does he know you well enough to realise you'd never go through with it? It also might be in idea to not have the missus in tow if attempting something like that. If she thinks you're serious and attempts to talk you down in front of your son, you'll expose a crack in the united front which he'll exploit.

My black-pilled assessment is this: cut your losses and let him go. He's too far gone; too "old" to cajole into change and therefore labouring under a mentality that's too ingrained to transform at the hands of a third party, and too deluded to introspect and see beyond his own little world. When things go pear shaped, which they will, he'll find you. But I don't feel that's a realistic scenario in your case for a number of reasons.

I'd cool it on the racial stereotyping and the mild xenophobia in front of your son at least. We all know the ground reality of all communities, but if there's a chance of solving this nightmare, you're not doing any good by pushing him further into defending his woman, and therefore strengthening his resolve in sticking by her and turning his back on a hostile world. Yeah, that's how these clowns think.

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This doesn't sound like a healthy father and son relationship to me. Sounds like a lot of overbearing, over parenting is going on, which the child resents. 

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Guest BroodySingh

Problem is I have never been a strict harsh father. I feel I didn’t have to because I taught my kids right from wrong and they were nice children growing up. The odd tantrum when they didn’t get their way was met with disdain and no malicious behaviour or temperament from them.

One summer during the lads puberty I noticed a change in his behaviour- bare faced lies that just didn’t add up. I scolded and lectured him when he was caught out but seemed to have no effect. He deceitfully met a teenage girl on a pre-arranged trip giving us ‘evidence’ he was meeting a male friend. He was rumbled and given a ticking off. He lost a privilege that I saw through to the end as a result. His mother wavered but I didn’t on principle. 

A family member has similar aged kids and is very strict with them and always has been. They wouldn’t dream of pulling a stunt like this for the fear factor runs deep. Part of me wonders should I have been too and saved me from this hassle now.

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Guest Respect Bengali Sikh
On 2/11/2020 at 9:43 PM, Guest BroodySingh said:

Problem is I have never been a strict harsh father. I feel I didn’t have to because I taught my kids right from wrong and they were nice children growing up. The odd tantrum when they didn’t get their way was met with disdain and no malicious behaviour or temperament from them.

One summer during the lads puberty I noticed a change in his behaviour- bare faced lies that just didn’t add up. I scolded and lectured him when he was caught out but seemed to have no effect. He deceitfully met a teenage girl on a pre-arranged trip giving us ‘evidence’ he was meeting a male friend. He was rumbled and given a ticking off. He lost a privilege that I saw through to the end as a result. His mother wavered but I didn’t on principle. 

A family member has similar aged kids and is very strict with them and always has been. They wouldn’t dream of pulling a stunt like this for the fear factor runs deep. Part of me wonders should I have been too and saved me from this hassle now.

But if the girl clearly hates Islam and would be ready to become Sikh then what's problem?

Many women born to Muslim parents are desperate to leave the slavery of Islam + hence they marry non-Muslims

There are ethnic Bengali's who happen to be Sikh. Not very many but some for sure. So Islam not Bengali is the problem

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Guest BroodySingh

I don’t know if the young lady in question hates Islam. 

She comes from a culture that is alien to me and my family. 

His mother remarked to me that had this girl been punjabi and from a Sikh family she probably would be ok with it and gradually (if the relationship lasted another 1-2 years) we’d look to meet her family and begin things formally.

We still would be unhappy if he was seeing a black, Chinese or white girl. Think he will go his own way and I’ll cut him loose.

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On 2/11/2020 at 9:43 PM, Guest BroodySingh said:

Problem is I have never been a strict harsh father. I feel I didn’t have to because I taught my kids right from wrong and they were nice children growing up. The odd tantrum when they didn’t get their way was met with disdain and no malicious behaviour or temperament from them.

One summer during the lads puberty I noticed a change in his behaviour- bare faced lies that just didn’t add up. I scolded and lectured him when he was caught out but seemed to have no effect. He deceitfully met a teenage girl on a pre-arranged trip giving us ‘evidence’ he was meeting a male friend. He was rumbled and given a ticking off. He lost a privilege that I saw through to the end as a result. His mother wavered but I didn’t on principle. 

A family member has similar aged kids and is very strict with them and always has been. They wouldn’t dream of pulling a stunt like this for the fear factor runs deep. Part of me wonders should I have been too and saved me from this hassle now.

I've helped raised a number of boys in my family, including some with absent fathers, So I have multiple experiences, and not all of them ended like a fairytale. Plus I worked with teenagers as a teacher for a bit so I feel I have some valid experiences in this domain. 

You CAN NOT predict how a kid is going to turn out. Sometimes the ones that acted rotten and belligerent when growing up turn out half decent when older, and the ones who you'd never ever perceive a certain way (because they were so sweet, honest and caring when growing up) can grow up to be completely self-centred, lying a-holes who wouldn't give you the time of day!

And another thing, believe you me, kids do not respond to strictness in uniform ways. Whereas one might buckle and comply as a result of strictness - another could become belligerent and defiant as f**k as a reaction. So don't delude yourself and act like you could've controlled everything. 

All I will say is that if the child is naturally spirited and free willed (as it seems), overbearing constant criticism is the WORST thing a parent could do, and will only make them even more resentful and defiant. Be warned. 

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On 2/9/2020 at 3:22 PM, dallysingh101 said:

This doesn't sound like a healthy father and son relationship to me. Sounds like a lot of overbearing, over parenting is going on, which the child resents. 

Or the son could a be a real ish and the parents are trying to keep a lid on his kartoots so others do not suffer , sounds like he's the eldest given the tone of the situation . He sounds entitled and spoilt , the father needs to interject when this kid shouts at his Missus , that is his life partner getting ragged on . Yes kids are a challenge but you still have to set boundaries even now , he has a very small mental age and is acting like a sulky teenager . First refuse to talk about his coupledom until he proves himself as a responsible adult by earning and making a proper future for himself . Perhaps seeing exactly how hard life is to set up and maintain  it may cool his heels and the stress of having to look after someone other than himself may make him think twice if he is ready .

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3 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Or the son could a be a real ish and the parents are trying to keep a lid on his kartoots so others do not suffer , sounds like he's the eldest given the tone of the situation . He sounds entitled and spoilt , the father needs to interject when this kid shouts at his Missus , that is his life partner getting ragged on . Yes kids are a challenge but you still have to set boundaries even now , he has a very small mental age and is acting like a sulky teenager . First refuse to talk about his coupledom until he proves himself as a responsible adult by earning and making a proper future for himself . Perhaps seeing exactly how hard life is to set up and maintain  it may cool his heels and the stress of having to look after someone other than himself may make him think twice if he is ready .

I think putting them out in real life can help. That's if he doesn't end up a crackhead or getting stabbed up or something. WIth boys like this you have to let them do their own thing. You have to take a tough decision and live with it. 

Surely anything beats constantly having to whine at home and having a shyte atmosphere!! It's not like the world out there isn't tough enough - for someone to have to come home and deal with ish in their so called sanctuary from it. 

Honestly, I now believe apnay are generally shyte at parenting  (not all but many) and that explains a lot of our issues. 

 

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