Sikhs Marrying late - What is the issue

[jkvlondon]

4 hours ago, Ranjeet01 said:

"Finding yourself", is a codeword for something else. It means they want to have "fun" before they "settle down". 

"Settling down" happens for girls around about 27-28 before the big 3-0.

"On the same wavelength " means something you have in common with the other person. It means you think on the same lines and you don't have to explain yourself. You are expected to just get it.

 

things have to get moving  before age 25 for girls else they get so used to having their own way they cannot actually compromise to make marriage work . I have noticed that those who got engaged or married before 25 have a more balanced approach to marriage whereas those who marry after seem too rigid and demanding in their outlook , same with guys . Maybe guys have a two year leeway because of emotional maturity catchup. Western way of living fosters a false sense of self-importance  which cripples harmonious relationships my sis and bros in law also have this problem . Colleagues from uni who got married at same time as us are still going strong but their siblings who lived for finding themselves are struggling to hold it together for a few years at a time

[puzzled]

do we marry people who we were married to in our previous life? 

and what about someone you were in a relationship with b4 marriage but it didnt work out?   

[puzzled]

1 hour ago, jkvlondon said:

things have to get moving  before age 25 for girls else they get so used to having their own way they cannot actually compromise to make marriage work . I have noticed that those who got engaged or married before 25 have a more balanced approach to marriage whereas those who marry after seem too rigid and demanding in their outlook , same with guys . Maybe guys have a two year leeway because of emotional maturity catchup. Western way of living fosters a false sense of self-importance  which cripples harmonious relationships my sis and bros in law also have this problem . Colleagues from uni who got married at same time as us are still going strong but their siblings who lived for finding themselves are struggling to hold it together for a few years at a time

a singh who lives down our road approached my dad with a rishta for me a few months back  he said the girl is 25 and doesnt mind if the boy is monah or a singh but just wants to marry into a nice family. but i told my dad its a no from me!

how can you marry som1 you dnt know    how are you even supposed to start the conversation      what if you have nothing in common and you realize this after marriage.   so i just said no     

i really dnt get this whole arranged marriage thing     none of my cousins had arranged marriages    

made to sit there and start a convo about marriage with some1 you just met is a bit much. 

[Ranjeet01]

2 minutes ago, puzzled said:

a singh who lives down our road approached my dad with a rishta for me a few months back  he said the girl is 25 and doesnt mind if the boy is monah or a singh but just wants to marry into a nice family. but i told my dad its a no from me!

how can you marry som1 you dnt know    how are you even supposed to start the conversation      what if you have nothing in common and you realize this after marriage.   so i just said no     

i really dnt get this whole arranged marriage thing     none of my cousins had arranged marriages    

made to sit there and start a convo about marriage with some1 you just met is a bit much. 

How are you going to meet someone.

Everyone you meet is someone you never knew.

 

[jkvlondon]

1 minute ago, puzzled said:

a singh who lives down our road approached my dad with a rishta for me a few months back  he said the girl is 25 and doesnt mind if the boy is monah or a singh but just wants to marry into a nice family. but i told my dad its a no from me!

how can you marry som1 you dnt know    how are you even supposed to start the conversation      what if you have nothing in common and you realize this after marriage.   so i just said no     

i really dnt get this whole arranged marriage thing     none of my cousins had arranged marriages    

made to sit there and start a convo about marriage with some1 you just met is a bit much. 

you think your forefathers spent hours in conversation before getting married ? no right, that's because they trusted their folks to cater to their personalities etc. . Getting intro'd to seomeone to date via friends, work colleagues , family is no different you don't have a problem talking to the girl then to talk about going out , etc. Maybe you need to change your lens on the whole thing as this is a date to see if you have similar outlook on life and aims.

[MisterrSingh]

11 minutes ago, puzzled said:

a singh who lives down our road approached my dad with a rishta for me a few months back  he said the girl is 25 and doesnt mind if the boy is monah or a singh but just wants to marry into a nice family. but i told my dad its a no from me!

how can you marry som1 you dnt know    how are you even supposed to start the conversation      what if you have nothing in common and you realize this after marriage.   so i just said no     

i really dnt get this whole arranged marriage thing     none of my cousins had arranged marriages    

made to sit there and start a convo about marriage with some1 you just met is a bit much. 

Let's be honest, it isn't as if your conversations are going to revolve around metaphysical debates about the nature of reality, or the difficulties of existing in a first world country while retaining a semblance of your ethnic and cultural roots. On your end it'll be, "Is she at least okay to look at?" and "I hope any potential kids won't be sub-65 IQ brainlets if they take after their mother." At her end she'll be thinking about what you can provide for her in a material sense, and a preferable boost in social status for her. That's what it ultimately boils down to for 99% of our people. This "conversation" meme is so played out, because it presupposes that the participants in these so-called conversations have anything compelling or meaningful to discuss, which they don't... including the apparently highly educated sorts. 

[puzzled]

7 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

Let's be honest, it isn't as if your conversations are going to revolve around metaphysical debates about the nature of reality, or the difficulties of existing in a first world country while retaining a semblance of your ethnic and cultural roots

       

7 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

This "conversation" meme is so played out, because it presupposes that the participants in these so-called conversations have anything compelling or meaningful to discuss, which they don't... including the apparently highly educated sorts. 

well thats the thing   its just awkward    theres more to me then just that, if that makes sense.    i just find the whole thing artificial    its like a contract isn't it? 

iv seen one of these "conversations" at the gurdwara langar hall    both families were sitting on one table and then the boy and girl got up and sat on a separate table and they just sat there hardly talking with awkward fake giggles now and then   and then got up and sat with their parents again     it lasted around 2 or 3 mins.   i guess that was a flop. 

iv also known a few cases of arranged/love marriages where the boys family own more than 1 house and after a few weeks/months the girl starts demanding the other house be given to them!  boys parents work their asses off to buy property only for some spoiled madame to come along, demand the house, and that to half of it to be under her name!   

its like juggling with your life isn't it      one wrong decision just turns your life up side down. 

inlaws getting involved and having their own beef just destroys the marriage as well. 

1 of my cousins here in the uk married a girl who had another sister   it was just 2 sisters no brother,  once both got married off   her mother used to cry wail and weep on the phone saying she misses her daughter and that shes all alone now( she had a husband)  and the marriage ended up in divorce    odd thing was my cousin and wife only lived a 10 min drive from the girls mothers house!    

same thing happened with my cousin in canada   married a girl who had no brother but another sister   once both sisters were married mother used to ring them everyday crying    my cousin even moved nxt door to his mother in laws house with his wife   stupid thing was when he buyed the house he put it under his wifes name  and she told him to fck off  took the property and got divorced.

how many things are you supposed to take into consideration    i really cnt do with all this female melancholy    but then at the same time you need to get married    im my parents only son so i have no choice but to marry and have kids  

 

 

[DoabeyWali]

13 hours ago, Koi said:

Being a guy, one of the biggest problems I've seen is caste. No matter if all the other criteria match, the caste always seems to come in the way. I honestly hope that this is wiped out before the next generation. 

Really? This still happens? in UK?

[jkvlondon]

1 hour ago, puzzled said:

       

well thats the thing   its just awkward    theres more to me then just that, if that makes sense.    i just find the whole thing artificial    its like a contract isn't it? 

iv seen one of these "conversations" at the gurdwara langar hall    both families were sitting on one table and then the boy and girl got up and sat on a separate table and they just sat there hardly talking with awkward fake giggles now and then   and then got up and sat with their parents again     it lasted around 2 or 3 mins.   i guess that was a flop. 

iv also known a few cases of arranged/love marriages where the boys family own more than 1 house and after a few weeks/months the girl starts demanding the other house be given to them!  boys parents work their asses off to buy property only for some spoiled madame to come along, demand the house, and that to half of it to be under her name!   

its like juggling with your life isn't it      one wrong decision just turns your life up side down. 

inlaws getting involved and having their own beef just destroys the marriage as well. 

1 of my cousins here in the uk married a girl who had another sister   it was just 2 sisters no brother,  once both got married off   her mother used to cry wail and weep on the phone saying she misses her daughter and that shes all alone now( she had a husband)  and the marriage ended up in divorce    odd thing was my cousin and wife only lived a 10 min drive from the girls mothers house!    

same thing happened with my cousin in canada   married a girl who had no brother but another sister   once both sisters were married mother used to ring them everyday crying    my cousin even moved nxt door to his mother in laws house with his wife   stupid thing was when he buyed the house he put it under his wifes name  and she told him to fck off  took the property and got divorced.

how many things are you supposed to take into consideration    i really cnt do with all this female melancholy    but then at the same time you need to get married    im my parents only son so i have no choice but to marry and have kids  

 

 

simple make your missus and her family understand you have no problem with them visiting back and forth like real families do.

[Ranjeet01]

1 hour ago, puzzled said:

       

well thats the thing   its just awkward    theres more to me then just that, if that makes sense.    i just find the whole thing artificial    its like a contract isn't it? 

iv seen one of these "conversations" at the gurdwara langar hall    both families were sitting on one table and then the boy and girl got up and sat on a separate table and they just sat there hardly talking with awkward fake giggles now and then   and then got up and sat with their parents again     it lasted around 2 or 3 mins.   i guess that was a flop. 

iv also known a few cases of arranged/love marriages where the boys family own more than 1 house and after a few weeks/months the girl starts demanding the other house be given to them!  boys parents work their asses off to buy property only for some spoiled madame to come along, demand the house, and that to half of it to be under her name!   

its like juggling with your life isn't it      one wrong decision just turns your life up side down. 

inlaws getting involved and having their own beef just destroys the marriage as well. 

1 of my cousins here in the uk married a girl who had another sister   it was just 2 sisters no brother,  once both got married off   her mother used to cry wail and weep on the phone saying she misses her daughter and that shes all alone now( she had a husband)  and the marriage ended up in divorce    odd thing was my cousin and wife only lived a 10 min drive from the girls mothers house!    

same thing happened with my cousin in canada   married a girl who had no brother but another sister   once both sisters were married mother used to ring them everyday crying    my cousin even moved nxt door to his mother in laws house with his wife   stupid thing was when he buyed the house he put it under his wifes name  and she told him to fck off  took the property and got divorced.

how many things are you supposed to take into consideration    i really cnt do with all this female melancholy    but then at the same time you need to get married    im my parents only son so i have no choice but to marry and have kids  

 

 

Puzzled 

You mentioned you want to get married but you don't want it arranged but you want to find it yourself. 

How are you proposing to do that? 

You are talking your way out of marriage.

The problem with your cousins is that they never put their foot down

Sometimes in marriage you have to stand firm. The in-laws will sh1t test you , if you give in, they smell weakness and go for the kill.