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Worried about my son

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Guest Worried mum

My son is 16 and will start college in September. His exams were cancelled due to lockdown and he will receive predicted grades. He was working hard the grades will be very high the school confirmed it.

So until September was supposed to be his time to relax and enjoy himself. I’m worried he’s getting into a bad routine. He’s playing on xbox until 4am then going to bed. Sometimes he’s staying in bed until 3pm then tv or xbox. He said he still does japji sahib and simran but I’m not sure when.

I’ve tried speaking to him but it’s not getting anywhere. He’s got ruder at home now and we have arguments nearly every day. This morning he swore at me when I told him to get up but he apologised when he got up.

I’m really worried and think if this happens until September how will he manage to follow college routines

Has anyone got advice? Do I need to be more strict or am I just over worrying? Is anyone’s kids doing this too?

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No you're not over worrying. Time should be spent preparing for College. There's a big jump between the amount of independent study required. A lot of responsibility is with the student.

If he's not listening to you, what about asking either Dad, an elder sibling/cousin/friend whose been through that transition or another relative. Especially someone his age as they can highlight the problems he'll face when in college. Problems that will force him to grow.

Try to get him establish a regular sleeping routine for him. If he doesn't do any exercise, try to get him out of the house moving about as that will help with sleep. Go for a jog with friends as an example. With regards to the gaming, emphasis to him balance. Its ok to play games when he's done x,y,z not the other way round. Games now can be very addictive so it he may find it hard to immediately quit. Slowly reduce the gaming time. From 4hrs to 2 for example. Or split the sessions.

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Guest Acceptinghiswill

Its a really difficult cycle for your son to get out of. Often the case that parents notice the problem quite late. But to resolve it will take time and small adjustments.

The sleep pattern is an issue, he will feel tired and unsettled if hes awake all night. it might help to agree with him some bedtimes. He may still sleep in, but going to bed by say 9 or 10pm and no tv/xbox after that time.

Then have a set timetable for the day. This might be difficult but involve him to agree a limit on how much he plays. He needs to buy into the idea and the reason why your making changes. Maybe get him to do chores and other things to keep his mind occupied. Invole him to help do shopping.

I think as said above, the dad needs to get involved and support otherwise these things can make life difficult. Older siblings and cousins may be able to help.

Playing games and watching excessive tv, ie daily will cause an unhealthy addiction. It leaves a person unfilfilled and craving more. Yes like you noticed ,he will get annoyed or angry. 

Healthy diet and excercise is important. I think many kids will hav suffered in this loxk down and picked up terrible habits. Hopefully u can manage this. Seek help from family. 

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A lot of guys do this type of stuff. Arguing, staying up, playing games or watching TV, especially at the age of 16. So you're definitely not alone. I've also been staying up due to this quarantine. Regarding school, to be honest, he'll probably fix the schedule himself when school rolls around. However, a good tip is for him to mentally prepare. As the person above stated, have someone, maybe his older cousin, to basically let him know how things are. My sister would always get on my case, so I could somewhat mentally prepare. It's only going to get harder.  Stress, especially school stress, will snap a person into place. It seems like he has an interest in school, as you said he is a hard worker, so he should be able to snap back into a proper schedule. I know a lot of guys waking up at like 2-3pm, however, you basically waste half the day sleeping.   

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When I was that age I did the same thing  not going to bed till 2am 3am and I would wake up like 1 pm    a lot of boys become like that. He will get back on track once school starts. 

It's a complicated age  your like still a boy but becoming a young man. Things are changing. So some start becoming argumentative and rebellious. 

Perhaps let him meet up with his mates more? Go out a bit? 

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Guest Kaur

Bhen ji, you need to be strict and teach your son it’s not ok to sleep that late.

He must be bored without school. Give him something to keep busy with. Household jobs like diy or gardening, or make him read books ready for college. And what about exercise, send him out to walk and get some fresh air.

A child you raised swearing at you is taking the mick. My son swore at me when he was 13. I’m not ashamed to say I beat his chittar. Enough to teach him you don’t say those foul words to anyone. He’s 21 now and never swore again. 

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Put some Kirtan on for him at night and take away the x-box. Kirtan is nice to get some sleep. For that, I recommend the GurbaniMC’s For Sleep playlist in the Browse part of the app

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On 6/23/2020 at 7:49 AM, Guest Worried mum said:

My son is 16 and will start college in September. His exams were cancelled due to lockdown and he will receive predicted grades. He was working hard the grades will be very high the school confirmed it.

So until September was supposed to be his time to relax and enjoy himself. I’m worried he’s getting into a bad routine. He’s playing on xbox until 4am then going to bed. Sometimes he’s staying in bed until 3pm then tv or xbox. He said he still does japji sahib and simran but I’m not sure when.

I’ve tried speaking to him but it’s not getting anywhere. He’s got ruder at home now and we have arguments nearly every day. This morning he swore at me when I told him to get up but he apologised when he got up.

I’m really worried and think if this happens until September how will he manage to follow college routines

Has anyone got advice? Do I need to be more strict or am I just over worrying? Is anyone’s kids doing this too?

Set a routine. 

Tell him he has to build a schedule that includes amrit vela or u will.

The minimum things u need to include are:

Have sleep time at 11pm. And And pull the plug to the internet or the xbox. If ur kid still doesnt listen and turns these things on again. Flip the fuse, and turn off electricity to the whole house. 

So less talking and yelling and more actions and consequences. Like go to bed, its 11. Then if he doenst listen, dont say anything just pull the plug etc. 

Also give ur kid some goals. Like do santhiya of japji sahib. Or so sukhmani sahib daily or to read a panjabi book.

Also give him some chores. 

And get him to learn some skills like tabla guitar martial arts, or fixing things. Or coding.

But more importantly give him 2 or 3 hrs of freertime so he can play on his xbox.

Then have family prayer time. Like 6 am and 7pm. Everyone has to get together and do paath and simran. That way you can see it. 

Dont be too harsh. Let him kinda relax and do fun hobbies but with structure and routine in the day. 

 

 

 

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On 6/23/2020 at 7:49 AM, Guest Worried mum said:

My son is 16 and will start college in September. His exams were cancelled due to lockdown and he will receive predicted grades. He was working hard the grades will be very high the school confirmed it.

So until September was supposed to be his time to relax and enjoy himself. I’m worried he’s getting into a bad routine. He’s playing on xbox until 4am then going to bed. Sometimes he’s staying in bed until 3pm then tv or xbox. He said he still does japji sahib and simran but I’m not sure when.

I’ve tried speaking to him but it’s not getting anywhere. He’s got ruder at home now and we have arguments nearly every day. This morning he swore at me when I told him to get up but he apologised when he got up.

I’m really worried and think if this happens until September how will he manage to follow college routines

Has anyone got advice? Do I need to be more strict or am I just over worrying? Is anyone’s kids doing this too?

 

 

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End this now or it'll become a routine that will be difficult to break. Do it without female hysterics. I don't mean for that to sound as harsh as you think, but you're dealing with a young male child. There are certain dynamics that should be adhered to if you want to get through to him in a meaningful way.

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On 6/23/2020 at 3:49 PM, Guest Worried mum said:

My son is 16 and will start college in September. His exams were cancelled due to lockdown and he will receive predicted grades. He was working hard the grades will be very high the school confirmed it.

So until September was supposed to be his time to relax and enjoy himself. I’m worried he’s getting into a bad routine. He’s playing on xbox until 4am then going to bed. Sometimes he’s staying in bed until 3pm then tv or xbox. He said he still does japji sahib and simran but I’m not sure when.

I’ve tried speaking to him but it’s not getting anywhere. He’s got ruder at home now and we have arguments nearly every day. This morning he swore at me when I told him to get up but he apologised when he got up.

I’m really worried and think if this happens until September how will he manage to follow college routines

Has anyone got advice? Do I need to be more strict or am I just over worrying? Is anyone’s kids doing this too?

All boys at this age are doing the same thing.

No school, no routine and with lockdown, online is the only way they keep in touch with their friends. 

Plus also it is found that teenagers tend to sleep longer. It is normal for them to be up at midday on days when they have no routine. 

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Guest Worried mum

Thank you so much everyone for responding.

My son’s progress at school was very good, he was on the gifted and talented program. I usually had to force him to stop studying and take breaks at home. 

These exams was his first big chance to prove himself in life. He feels cheated and let down by the system because he thinks his hard work has gone to waste. A whole wall in his bedroom was covered in revision notes and he ripped it all down when they confirmed exams won’t happen.

Now it’s like he has switched off. Even in holidays he never overslept. It’s only me and his little sister at home, his dad died a few years ago. He’s the man of the house and he’s committed to taking care of us. That’s why he was so focused on his studies to get a good job one day. Studying gave him an excuse to not think about dad and focus on achieving something positive. But lockdown has taken that away from him. This is why I can’t be too harsh on him.

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On 6/30/2020 at 10:11 PM, Guest Worried mum said:

Thank you so much everyone for responding.

My son’s progress at school was very good, he was on the gifted and talented program. I usually had to force him to stop studying and take breaks at home. 

These exams was his first big chance to prove himself in life. He feels cheated and let down by the system because he thinks his hard work has gone to waste. A whole wall in his bedroom was covered in revision notes and he ripped it all down when they confirmed exams won’t happen.

Now it’s like he has switched off. Even in holidays he never overslept. It’s only me and his little sister at home, his dad died a few years ago. He’s the man of the house and he’s committed to taking care of us. That’s why he was so focused on his studies to get a good job one day. Studying gave him an excuse to not think about dad and focus on achieving something positive. But lockdown has taken that away from him. This is why I can’t be too harsh on him.

Offer him perspective. Explain to him that he's not the only one that's suffered as a result of the Corona lockdown. There's millions of kids in the same boat. The education system isn't to blame for that, and neither has it cheated him out of anything. At the point he started expressing these views, that's when you should've interjected and put him straight. Don't let his misunderstanding of the situation become an entrenched belief.

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Guest Realistic

Some of the responders are really dramatic and overbearing.

I don't think you are wrong to be concerned but you don't want to be a pushy parent, in the long run this will not benefit your relationship with your son.

Let him know that there is time for playing games and the other actives he wants to do but give him xyz jobs to do and time to spend with you. Get him doing stuff with his friends/ cousins as this is time he will never get back so help him gain life skills cooking/cleaning/gardening/ diy projects

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He hasn’t been cheated by the system, this is something worldwide and everyone has had to adjust and change their circumstances. I think you should have had him watch the news a lot more. 
 

There are a lot of courses about now or skills to pick up, you could get him to build something out of wood in the garden. Or pay for a online course- there are a lot of free ones about too. He could learn how to code or make websites. Try to make the most of this time.

 

Personally I don’t think what he is even doing is strange, it’s what everyone this age does. If he has taken Amrit then yes he needs to stick to the amrit vela, everything else is pretty normal.

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