Marriage, The Perception Of Beards And Turbans, And The Future Of Our Religion (My Story)

[californiasardar1]

Right...that's why there are loads of girls who specifically ask for gursikh or amritdhari guys on those matrimonial sites.

I see your point, but there are not "loads". Moreover, if you restrict your search to certain subgroups (like jatts), as some unenlightened parents often pressure their children to do, there are very few. You make a legitimate point, and maybe one of these people will be the right one for me, but it doesn't address the larger issue that the number of girls actively seeking sardars is miniscule when compared to the number of girls seeking clean-shaven guys.

California is full of apne. I have family there. I have a hard time believing that Sikhs with cut hair would abuse you to the point where you are mentally scarred for life. Yeah right.

Now you are just being disrespectful. Do you think I just made this all up for my own amusement? I realize my experience might be a bit unusual and unfortunate, and I realize you might know people who had very different experiences than I did. But it is what it is. California is a very large state and not all Sikh communities are like the ones you probably are thinking of. I'm not from the bay area or central valley or any of those places.

Admin jeo, remember when I said certain people are only on our forum to make mischief? LOL

I know my experience is unusual. That doesn't make it untrue. I came here to hopefully have a constructive conversation about what I and the community in general could do about what I think is a very serious problem. I welcome and appreciate your input, but to insinuate that I or anyone else is just making mischief is disrespectful.

I'm legitimately surprised that you do not seem to think the preference for clean-shaven guys is as prevalent as I've suggested or that it is a serious problem. Go to one of the big matrimonial sites and see how many women are interested exclusively in clean-shaven men as opposed to those interested in sardars. And that doesn't account for all of the girls who do not even specify their clean-shaven preference (since it's not really necessary when most guys these days are clean-shaven anyway).

[SinghSabha]

http://www.jeevansathi.com/matrimonials/gursikh-matrimonial/#

http://www.gursikhshaadicentre.com/

http://ww2.shaadi.com/matrimony/sikh-gursikh-matrimonial-brides

http://gurmat.com/search.html

http://www.123-matrimonials.com/matrimony/E169/Gursikh-matrimonial/

Good luck to you brother. If you need anything else, I'm sure the gursikhs on this forum would be happy to tell you how they found their significant other.

[californiasardar1]

There has been so many of these types of posts, its getting embarrassing.

This is what I think...

its not a pro-Gurmat view for which i apologise in advance. But I think its about time it needs to be said.

Women generally are geared up through evolution to mate with a partner most likely to provide for them, i.e. the protector and caretaker.

There are many physiological studies to support this.

In addition to this, (please google this if you require proof) in a study they asked what women found most attractive in the opposite sex was and the quality "standing up for what he believes in" came top.. i.e. men who stood for what they believe in.. its a form of aphrodisiac, they did studies on men doing passionate speeches etc and they were scored by women.

I know a fair few singhs, from my experience there ones who made reps for themselves , who carried themselves in colleges and unis had no problem getting married. infact rishtay came to them. The 50/50 guys, who didn't know if they coming or going, who didn't ever stand for a cause or get into a scrap.. they are the ones who had trouble finding a girl.

I would say one thing though, there are guys who get many rishtay but find it very difficult to find a girl who stands up for what she believes in too.

bottom line is 90% of this mona vs singh argument is in the mind. if it was true half these mona's wouldn't be crying over girls either.

Fix up, train, stand up for what you believe in, don't be pervy and you got no problems.

I'm sorry for embarrassing the forum.

Anyway, I think you make a lot of good points here.

I think one of the problems with my approach is that it has largely been restricted to the internet (due to the fact that I don't know many Punjabi people and you can't exactly just walk down the street and run into a crowd of Punjabis when their population density is so low here). When someone doesn't see you in person, you can't project all of the intangible qualities (confidence, etc.) that women find attractive.

I am going to see what I can do about meeting more Punjabi girls in person.

[m4ndy]

I live in the UK, and I know a lot of what you said is true even in my family background I hear relatives saying we need a 'clean shaven guy' etc it's pathetic. I get so angry and think why don't you all just look for Muslim guys. The thing is people are so stuck in culture and tradition that they forget about religion altogether. Punjabi people listen to bhangra music, lustful songs, watch Bollywood movies, Indian dramas, the whole concept changes in girls mind, they see that on TV and automatically percieve that person to be 'attractive' but in reality who is attractive? A person who is bad, who drinks, smokes eats filthy food but is clean shaven is he attractive? No a person who has respect for their religion who abides by the code of conduct is beautiful you know they are the ones who will lead a good life and will be well respected in the Sikh community as well as other religions around them.

The Sikh girls that think clean shaven is beautiful nothing lasts looks fade everyone ages we all get old. it's just society has changed we are now in the so called 'west' where people have adpated to this culture, I blame the parents who don't keep their childrens hair and lack of sikhi knowledge that leads to situations like this. if the whole world was amritdhari we would never even have topics posted on this. Sometimes I wonder whether some peope are Sikhs at all..

Don't worry about it, YOU are unique people are just jealous that you get noticed! You wear the jewel of what Guru Gobind Singh Ji has given be proud of it and spread the message and if some people don't want that their loss somones gain! :D

[VanHelsingh]

Its a messed up world populated by equally messed up people. Most Sikh girls (and girls from other backgrounds if we're being honest) are shallow, overly materialistic and plain dim. To find a genuinely original, bright (by no means academically proficient - there's a difference) and decent girl you've got to have the goods yourself.

You know what they say about making a girl laugh and that's half the battle won? Well obviously don't launch into a comedy routine but you know, learn to carry yourself amongst people and most importantly LIKE YOURSELF! If a person doesn't think much of themselves, its written all over their face and people are usually astute enough to pick up those vibes. Whilst the gym is not the answer to all our problems, it is one particular part of the whole solution.

Anyway, good luck with your search for a wife. I have no doubt if you work on yourself in all areas, you will definitely find the partner you desire. Also, remember that God will help us in these kind of endeavours. You just have to ask.

[gurdssingh]

I think it depends on how a person carries themselves. Confidence is the most attractive thing in the world. The ironic thing from the OP message is a gurdwara is where a Singh is looked upto, I find it strange that someone would get bullied or teased in a gurdwara for keeping kesh.

Sardars who do not cut their hair can find partners. An example is I was at the gurdwara this morning. There was a wedding. A keshdhari guy who had a full uncut beard, which was open not tied up, had a pagh which I think is not his normal style as it was big and pinky reddish and looked like was either tied in the dark or as if he'd had just got up from a nap got married. He got married to an attractive, slim very good looking gori. Yes a white girl.

BTW I was there with my kids not attending the wedding but just doing darshan of guru Ji as I do every week. I did not look or mean in a pervy way the bride was attractive, just highligthing she was pretty.

I know its not the norm for a sardar who has an open flowing beard not tied up beard to get hitched to an attractive white women. But it can and does happen.

It happened today at Guru Amar Das Ji Gurdwara Sahib in Leicester, anyone else who was there can vouch for this.

[pedrorizzo]

In many cases, finding a partner is just another form of trade or transaction. The question asked by most people when they enter this transaction is what am I getting and or/what am I offering?

For most people, this transaction is purely maya related.

For women, looking at a guy, they will naturally and intuitively assess the guy's wealth (his ability to provide for his wife and family), his status (her own status will increase if she is with a high status guy, especially in the eyes of other people), and also his ability to protect his woman and his family (ie is he strong, well built, confident, does he have lots of contacts? etc.)

The above has little or nothing to do with having a turban, beard or whatever. It is attraction based purely on the perceived ability of a man to fulfil some basic functions as a husband/partner and enabling some kind of social elevation to take place and as bonus, make all the other girls jealous lol.

The above is always true. Thats why pop stars, even ugly and old ones, and rich guys, including ugly and old ones, and bullies, gangsters, politicians and other so called powerful and confident men have no problem attracting girls.

The same applies to Singhs. In fact the same applies to monay and everybody else.

Without realising it and just by posting what he has, california sardar, has already struck himself off, by believing that he is not attractive to girls and that the reason for this is his turban and beard. He will project this weakness intuitively, and women, who have a nose for this kind of thing will pick it up and automatically strike him off as a potential mate, given his lack of confidence. The reason is not his turban and beard.. it is his lack of confidence associated with his turban and beard.

If this is a problem for you california sardar, may I suggest that you spend some time investing in yourself and plugging this gap in your life, through research on this topic (how to attract women). It sounds to me that you are a really nice and genuine guy and that any woman would be lucky to have you as a husband, if they were not so thick and superficial as to judge your lack of confidence.

However, at the same time you cannot blame for this, as this is how they are hardwired. This is basically just natural selection/ darwinism at work.

Seriously bro, like sarabha said, train, become an alpha male, become a high flyer at work, develop a strong and confident personality, become selective in what kind of woman you are looking for and you will be well on your way.

[samosasingh]

I can feel for you. I had a similar experience growing up due to financial and family problems. Then came the task of getting married. Within the Punjabi community it is all about your status and family connections. If you are weak with family problems they like to avoid you. Once you have established yourself then all of sudden you become worth the time to talk to.

I am also from the jatt clan. They are probably the biggest clan here in the west and most backwards, They are basically from the villages and most don't have much of a brain, especially the girls. They really don't care about religion, it is mostly about status and what will make them look good. They like to associate with those of there own level. These days with all the negative PR about the turban and the bling bling easy lifestyle portrayed by punjabi music, the girls are leaning to that way of life and so are the boys.

At times it feels as if you are living in the wrong era. This era is for the morally corrupt and the bling bling type. The free living lifestlye with no constraints of religion is what most people want and I will be honest even the so called religious people want this as well but deep down inside them. When they see the hot chicks dancing in the tight jeans and the tough jatt getting the kuri, this is what they want, for the most part. There are very few who are actually connected to the soul.

Just wearing a turban doesn't mean anything if there is no way of life behind it. You are wearing the crown of a lion but want the meaningless things like companionship of a women. This is wear you are running into trouble and you have to figure out where you stand. Whats the point in keeping the turban if you don't want to live the sikh way of life. You will end up running into lots of hurdles in life where you won't be able to choose between the 2 lifestyles. If you are living the gursikh lifesyle then women become a non-issue, if and when it is destined so it will happen. The other way around you are going to set yourself up for failure. You will look in the wrong places and meet the wrong people and it will only drive you to hate the turban more and more. You will try and find someone who wants to marry a turbaned person in mainstream punjabi community, which is only going to not work.

Live the life behind the turban of a gursikh, then you won't encounter these problems. Don't live with a chip on your shoulder, it is a bad idea and will only lead to more trouble down the road. Be a real man not just a cock and figure out where you stand.

You have chosen to live away from the community for whatever reasons and now are back to your roots. What makes you think they are going to accept you? Now you are back because you want punjabi babes and don't feel accepted, are you not being selfish?....It takes a lifetime to build friendships and connections within a commmunity, you can't just show up and expect to get those things.

You are 100% on when you say the perception of the turban is not good. I completly agree with you. The chicks don't dig it, if they do they are from religious backrounds. If the mainstream chicks like a turban is the like the england style trimmed bearded small turban playboy types who like to fool around, but they would never marry them only flirt.

So you need to be practical and look in the right places and start actually learning how to be a Sikh, otherwise you will only cause yourself more trouble. God hasn't made you want the company of a women, society has taught you that, you need the women to ease your desire and feed your ego that you are a man - Nothing else, it is the same with all men and women need a bank account and someones brain to eat up.

Don't mean to be harsh but, once you are married you will realize that it is not as good as you thought. Women are very controlling and will eat your brain and want you to do everything they want and not speak a word, otherwise they either get depressed or angry.

If you ask me, stay non-married, it will be good for your mental health.........women are annoying. Steer clear, do bhagtee and get free in this life..........BTW i am married with children so am not talking BS, take it from another brother, the humping (if they actually give it to you) isn't worth the time and money you are going to spend on the hoe. Run far , far away.

I am sure this post will has given you a different take on it. I am open for discussion..........

Another thing be carefull about India, most jatts are backwards and only want to come to Canada and will tell you everything you want to hear. There daughters will serve you good food and satisfy you in the bed initially but when they get the Kanada Visa, then you see there real colours. The jatts are actually very lowly in there thinking in this regard, they will even use there own daughters like prostitutes for a ticket to the west.

[Jonny101]

Best post by Samosa Singh Jee. But in regards to your views on marriage I would say it is different from person to person. For some it may not be a great thing to do and may even regret it, but for some it was the best thing to have happened. Some guys get the ideal wives but some may not describe it so. So it is different from person to person.

[kds1980]

i have seen many sikhs advising here on this site not to get married.If this is going to happen then Sikhism will automatically cease to exist in 20-30 years as their will be no younger generation