I am stuck and really need someone to guide me

[Guest singh.vanco]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

[Guest Singh]

If my wife lied to me she would be divorced. Full stop. 

[Shaheed4life]

On 8/16/2020 at 10:41 AM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa Vaheguru ji ki fateh 

Veerji,the only advice I can give u is that you do 1 sukhmani sahib path during Amritvela.I can guarantee you within 40 days,your wife will follow full rehat of Guru Gobind Singh ji Maharaj.

Bhul Chuk Maf

[MisterrSingh]

8 hours ago, Shaheed4life said:

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa Vaheguru ji ki fateh 

Veerji,the only advice I can give u is that you do 1 sukhmani sahib path during Amritvela.I can guarantee you within 40 days,your wife will follow full rehat of Guru Gobind Singh ji Maharaj.

Bhul Chuk Maf

I think the young Singh's problem is more the mental turmoil from having discovered his wife has a sordid past prior to their marriage, rather than her not following rehat in the present time. 

There's no point in reiterating his mistake in not doing his due diligence on his prospective bride before marriage. The "I was abused" chestnut is a classic tactic to elicit sympathy, and put an end to any further uncomfortable questions the hurting husband has for his wife.

So, he has two options: 1. Come to terms with the fact that his wife had a lover before she took lavaan with Singh, or... 2. He walks away. 

Option 2 is a no-go for a Gursikh according to this forum, so that's off the table immediately. 

The only thing to do is to accept the reality before him, and pray to become mentally strong enough to bear the emotional burden that no doubt will devour him with each passing day. 

Advice to young Singhs entering the marriage arena: wake up. You're being taken for 1diots. Use your grey matter instead of your lustful feelings to help make these serious life decisions. You cannot be deceived by these girls if your eyes are open. If you're genuinely seduced by the sight of a dumalla, and assume a Singhni is rehatvaan purely on the basis of her looking the part, then you need to enter the real world.

[puzzled]

That just made me anxious reading it!  that's some scary stuff right there.  I would personally dump her and send her packing to her parents house and tell her parents the reason why.  that's not a small lie at all, it would make me really paranoid.

I really feel for the brother who asked the question. I'm already on edge with everything happening with me, something like that would just end everything thing. 

[Jai Tegang!]

On 8/15/2020 at 7:41 PM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

It's only been 6 months, so you still have time before children come into the picture. You really need to confront her again and again about this breach of trust until you get her expose her true intentions (if she's playing the religious part to secure a pushover husband). She seems to be brushing it off because she senses you are a soft guy. This situation you find yourself in will only get worse for your mental health. Become strong and proactive and not fall into self pity and self destruction. Either you take action now, or suffer life long. Anxiety attacks mean you are feeling incapable of handling the situation. Take control. Take action. 

[learningkaur]

I appreciate this is difficult but maybe you need to change your mind frame.

 

Waheguru chose this partner for you.Everything is in hukam.

You’re amritdhari, you know that this is just a play, she is your wife in this life, you’ve had many before.

Do your simran to get over this ‘depression’ which really is just you being insecure and showing way too much attachment to this life and your own wants and needs.....why don’t you concentrate on your actual purpose?

[Guest Sensible]

On 8/16/2020 at 3:41 AM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

She must be cheating on the previous  guy that’s why he didn’t trust her. May be she is a habitual liar or something! There is definitely something wrong here. If she is young, like in her twenties, then she is probably been experimenting a lot.  Do you know, I have seen a few of these turbaned women and their behaviour is nowhere near enough to be described as respectful or decent. They come across as very cheap women. I don’t know what is it about them. Their body language and their actions don’t seem right to me. Yeh, why is she listening to punjabi songs that make references to alcohol, sex or flirtations! Why is she listening to punjabi i songs in the first place? They are not any better then the Bollywood or Pop songs. They are plain filth. Their lyrics and tunes are so disgustingly cheap and full of degrading innuendos that no one in their right minds would like to listen to. 
 

No, no and no again. You don’t love each other at all. You my friend are infatuated with her and she knows it. She is using you to continue with her horrible  behaviour to annoy you. Infatuation is a very bad thing. She means it when she says she is not going to change herself because of you! She is trying to change you instead. I hope she is not a secret drinker! She is probably trying to change you by introducing these kinds of songs so you will loose your focus on becoming a good sikh. Drinking is horrible, and songs that relate to it should be declared as criminal. There is nothing pretty or clever or romantic about drinking. It is sh** even if it is only sung about or expressed in many different poetic meters or verses or rhyming couplets. 

Put the past behind you and move forward by speaking to your parents and in-laws. They might be able to sort it out for you. Be strong don’t loose confidence. 

 

[Not2Cool2Argue]

On 8/15/2020 at 7:41 PM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.

Just list out the pros and cons. 

Cons

1. You continue in this relationship. Having doubts and anxiety all your life. Not trusting ur wife. Will she stay faithful? She is unwilling to control herself, how long will she refrain from her bad habits of talking to guys. 

2. You are wiser now. So if you decide to remarry, you wont be fooled by appearances. You will look at virtues not kakaars that adorn the person. Internal rehit of abstaining from vikaar and pleasures vs external rehit

3. You divorce her and become a tyagi bairagi. Give up on this false world. And lead a life of bhagti and the only reason you work is to support your parents. And  once that duty is fulfilled, you give ur life for the panth in a spectacular shaheedi (might i suggest a grandstand against the taliban in afghanistan?) 

 

 

Pros

1. You continue the marriage. Because whats the guarantee ur next wife wont be the same. The only way to know for sure is to date someone for years and live with them beforw marriage. Which is against sikhi. Better the rotten apple you know. Or ur gonna have to marry someone u know from ur close circle or get someone to guarantee (bhar jaman) abt her lifestyle and ethics. 

3. We are all human. Someday you may also fall off the wagon. Or get bored and want to experience life on cruises, attend relatives parties (without alcohol ofc) own a liquor store, small lapses in rehit.  Which a strict amritdhari wont overlook. Atleast she wont judge you

4. You get serious about this relationship. Which means being honest that you cant trust her. Ur disgusted. And wearing a dumala while listening to bad panjabi songs and talking to guys is wrong. (Perhaps have her transition to s wearing a patka under chunni over ladybun?)  That she has to be honest about her intentions towards you and sikhi. Cant continue to use both to hide her bad karam. Either her kartoota change or her deceitful appearance and marriage. Tell her, if she cant change to accommodate the vows she made to you and sikhi, then you cant change for her either. She has to adapt or go. 

5. Be forgiving. Maya is strong after all. And kaam the strongest. In youth most fall prey to it. Continue with ir own jeevan. After all, noone minds if other family members aren't into sikhi. Like parents, siblings etc. So if wife isnt, oh well. Its just another relative. And in the end we go alone and alone do we save ourselves. Wives, sisters, brothers, are all our relations due to karma debt. It would be nice to have a spiritually stronger spouse who can help us on the path and walk besides us. But dreams rarely come true. And you can take ur role of being the spiritually stronger person in the household more gladly. You can raise you children better. (Although having one lenient parent always affects the kids. But atleast that will make them balanced kids. Not overly spiritual and naive. And they wont be fooled into thinking outer appearance = level of sikhi. )

7. As a divorcee ur value on the marriage market will drop. Unless u go to india to get an even more materialistic and morally corrupt wife. Or u might settle with another pragmatic divorcee who also knows to judge a spouse on virtue and needs total honesty before jumping in with both feet again. 

 

 

[Guest Acceptingitaswill]

Shes felt the need to open up and be completely truthful to you so theres nothing hidden beyween you.

I think someone needs to be pretty comfortable to tell that sort of thing. So clearly shes too wants to confess anything that she didnt earlier.

 

She may never do that sorta thung again and may now be on track but your thoughts and anxiety will destroy her? 

 

Why judge her so much. Why not adopt the qaulity of pati parmesher and giv her a chance and forgive. And totally clear this off your mind. 

Guru is bakshanhar  

U cant go back and stop thinking the world is pure and relationships dnt happen. Were human and mistakes happen more often than not.

 

Remember its your ego at play in most of this.