I am stuck and really need someone to guide me

[Guest Golssa]

On 9/4/2020 at 9:35 AM, learningkaur said:

There’s a lot of users out there but it’s upbringing.
Parents who act like users and show their kids this behaviour will have kids who mimic it. Same with talking about other people, jealousy, obsessed with money etc. 
 

That would mean all punjabi parents then.

[MisterrSingh]

14 hours ago, Guest Gambliar said:

Men are worse than women. Men are responsible for all the evils in this world - women just follow suit! They have a deep rooted desire to always please us and they will do anything to capture a gullible, dandled, helpless, butter wont melt in our mouth type of gursikhs especially coming from very sheltered families where they have been spoon-fed, whether force-fed or not, is not important, to marry and procreate families with. We gursikhs are in high demand and these women know when they see a good catch!  We are it!!

With respect, you're missing the point. I don't doubt genuine Gursikhs are in high demand, but they deserve a partner of equal standing in terms of mentality and spirituality. What they don't deserve is being coerced into a marriage under false pretences, which is the subject I was discussing earlier. What's worse is these Singhs are, as you rightly said, so sheltered from reality that they believe these girls are willingly seeking them out for marriage based purely on attraction or the individual Singh's merits as a personality and an individual.

No, what's actually happening is comparable to the phenomenon that white people traditionally refer to as a "shotgun wedding," only in this instance the marriage is not being hastily undertaken to conceal an unexpected pregnancy (which is usually an agreement between BOTH male and female to be married), but instead a close relative of the girl is charged with finding a hapless, gullible Singh (somebody who won't ask too many questions) in order to "get rid" of the problematic girl in marriage terms.

Usually, from the many cases I've seen which has necessitated this type of action, the girl has ended up biting off more than she can chew. She's embroiled herself in a situation where her hedonism and no-consequence mentality that's she's cultivated throughout her teens and early-20s, has lead her to disgrace herself, usually in some sort of grave sexual-related circumstances. Once the drama of retrieving her or removing her from the scene of her transgressions has died down, a plan is hatched to foist her onto an unsuspecting young man.

Unfortunately for her these acts have been revealed to her family -- and in an effort to eliminate any possible chance of public scandal and disgrace --they have hastily moved to marry her off to the exact opposite type of character with whom she preferred to wile away her leisure time, i.e. an upstanding, respectable, naive religiously-minded young man. Perfect cover for a female who's conducted herself in a totally opposite manner.

What's most disturbing is the fact that these girls are, in essence, implicitly instructed by the so-called matchmaker (as i said, a close relative of the girl's side) to gently seduce the Singh (usually at a religious get-together -- which is why AKJ with its regular rehanbhais has developed an unlikely reputation for unknowingly "hosting" these kinds of social interactions), so that he believes their meeting is organic and definitely not pre-arranged.

Clearly, one thing leads to another, and the Singh's ego is pandered to, the idea being that he must be made to believe that he's managed to capture the attention of this otherwise, objectively, very attractive Sikh girl, purely on HIS terms. The male is ego is such that it refuses to acknowledge certain stark realities about the world we live in and the type of social trends and moods that necessitate issues pertaining to attraction between the sexes, etc. He either lacks the intellectual faculties to be honest with himself as to why such a girl would seek him out, or he is so seized by lustful feelings and the overwhelming attention of the female, that he puts aside any critical thinking he may possess.

Long story short, the aim is to conceal the female's transgressions using the Singh's reputation and demeanour as a cover. The girl, and by extension her family, are saved from public disgrace.

I'm all for rehibilitation. NOBODY is perfect. People make mistakes all the time. It's human nature to err. Everyone deserves a second chance. The problem I have in the situation I've described above is the deception that is executed in order to ensnare the Singh. None of the sordid acts leading up to the apparent random interaction between the girl and the Singh are ever revealed to the Singh. Why? Because if he knew what kind of girl he was being paired-up with, he'd run a mile.

The biggest black mark against the girl in these situations is this: She's not really sorry for what she did. If she's sorry about anything, it's that she was rumbled. She hasn't rehabilitated herself or even displayed any sense of being contrite. There's never been a process of introspection or even the most cursory look inside herself at how she might have been wrong in the life that she lead. It's always about keeping THAT secret.  Had she not overstepped her limits, she would never have stopped living the life that she was enjoying so much. What self-respecting, upstanding Sikh of the Guru would ever willingly enter such a situation with a partner as I've described above?

[DelhiTurbanator]

On 9/4/2020 at 1:07 AM, Guest Ambivalent said:

Sorry to alarm you but not all dastar wearing females are bad. There are some very good ones around too but very hard to meet  or strike up any friendships! They play very hard to get because their standards are are way too high and noble.  They don’t look at anyone, I mean men, let alone a gursikh. The reason they are like that is due to the fact they are highly educated and have finally understood the message of Sikhi; and plus the fact their parenting has been very wise and loving.  

They are not some old riff-raff you see all over the world. They are very choosy as to who they lay their eyes on, as they only have them for the Guru and no one else. 
Why are amritarry boys so sheltered or gullible? Have you ever asked yourselves this question? The reason they are so is how their parents brought them up. They were molly-coddled  far too much by their parents for their own good. When they were little boys they were always treated better than their female siblings just because they were boys! Don’t the fools realise how this kind of parenting stunts their boys’ growth? They grow up expecting everything given to them on a plate by their mothers, grandmothers or sisters! Girls always sense this kind of injustice done to them, even though they don’t voice it! But as soon as they reach a certain legal age and experience freedom for the first time in their lives .....well you can imagine what happens next!  And this is what’s happening in the Sikh communities everywhere! 

Once they reach university or start working they start doing things behind their parents backs, always lying to them about their extra curriculum or work related activities such as smoking, drinking, flirting, sleeping around, giving impression to  their peers that they are very westernised and hip! Even though all this is done behind their parents backs! They do all this to compete with boys gursikhs or sehaj Sikhs! They know when boys do all this no one complains or makes fuss! This is the way majority of parents behave, lying to each other and never letting the cat out of the bag ever! And before anyone knows,  it’s too late!  
 

It’s not the fault of dastar wearing women to behave this way. It is the fault of the amritarry boys for leading sheltered lives and becoming gullible right down to their little toes! They need to wake up and tell their parents to stop molly-coddling them at the expense of their sisters or any other females around.  They need to tell them to let them grow and become independent and stand on their feet. The boys need to grow up as boys first and then men! They need to become street smart at a very young age and not hide behind her apron strings each time someone bullies them or looks at them in a bad way! They need to be taught how to be tough without becoming bullies or  aggressive Instead, the mothers molly-coddle them so much without  realizing how it’s stunting the boys growth, his maturation, formation of strong character and masculinity! Don’t the parents understand that their biased upbringing of their boys is making them docile resembling some tooti-fruiti sissies, huh!  They are growing into big babies, gullible and easily mislead into making huge mistakes in their lives! It’s all the fault of parents and boys/men for becoming sissies and not proper grown up smart men! Babies, that’s who they grow up as!
 

First of all, these mothers need to teach their children ‘equality’ regardless of who their children are in terms of their sex or gender!! Then they need to teach them how to speak the truth and to be polite to each other. They need to learn how to respect each other.  All this starts at home if parents have any desire to save their children from hurting each other and outsiders, by lying, cheating and deceiving.

How did OP marry her without knowing the truth about her prior to his marriage? How did this women he married was able to lie and deceive him about her life before they tied the knot? Is lying, deceiving others, brushing everything under the carpet, leading dishonest lives part of the culture? I wonder ..,,

 

 

 

After reading this entire bs I can only say that I don't think I even need to explain why you're wrong. This is the result of pseudo feminism brainwashing that has been already discussed. Am sorry but you're also a victim of this just like Min kaur, taapsee pannu, bbc and other pseudo feminists.

As per your logic, everything bad happening in this world is fault of sikh men Yep coronavirus spread bcoz of sikh men, next what?  Do you know asteroid collision that killed dinosaurs 65 million years ago was also caused by sikh men

Mam/Sir plz grow up. Atleast read before you rant. This is not the place to spread hatred. Plz learn to speak facts.

Firstly, there is no inequality in raising son or daughter in Sikh families. Yes "Sikh" famiies, not "punjabi" families. Women are no way treated lesser than men infact daughters are given more freedom like daughter can cut kesh, wax her arms but son is forced to wear turban and keep beard due to which he rebels and ultimately hates sikhi and become clean shaven.

Secondly, your logic of sikh women lieing and doing stuff behind parents back is ridiculous. Stop blaming parents and men all the time. I had numerous opportunities to have pre marital sex, drink, smoke but being an amritdhari boy, I know it's wrong and never indulged in these things. There is a thing called "self control" in sikhi.

 

Lastly, don't forget "Mann jeetay jag jeet"(Conquer the mind conquer the world). If sikh women can't control their minds, sexual desires etc then it's their fault not sikh men's fault. Plz grow up. Also, am not gonna marry a sikh woman anyway. Am a final year mbbs student and there are plenty of hindu/muslim women that have good character and noble values whereas at the same time I know plenty(not all) sikh women from gursikh families engaging in cheap pre marital stuff. It's my choice. You have no right to judge me. Its a request, next time, debate with facts, not useless ranting. Anger kills common sense.

 

[ipledgeblue]

On 9/5/2020 at 11:44 AM, MisterrSingh said:

What's most disturbing is the fact that these girls are, in essence, implicitly instructed by the so-called matchmaker (as i said, a close relative of the girl's side) to gently seduce the Singh (usually at a religious get-together -- which is why AKJ with its regular rehanbhais has developed an unlikely reputation for unknowingly "hosting" these kinds of social interactions), so that he believes their meeting is organic and definitely not pre-arranged.

lol I remember in my undergrad uni days. I had an dumalla wearing "Singhni" on my MSN messenger. She asked me to come to one of these rehnsbais, and yeh she  was definitely interested in me. She had not even take Pahul / Amrit, but she liked wearing dumalla. Actually asking further questions she told me she had an ex boyfriend as well! During my undergrad life I came across another keski wearing Singhni in Canada who had ran off with a mona boyfriend, again this was an MSN messenger contact. And at uni sikh society and other London unis there were Singhnis wearing dumallas or keski, and I am sure some of them had some kind of rep, even if just making boyfriends but still...

 

[ipledgeblue]

With regards to this topic, I wanted to discuss something about myself and a sikhni I used to chat to in the past. I used to chat to her on MSN Messenger, and then I had her number so I must have texted her a few times. I think she was from Midlands.

At first, I thought maybe she is a girl I can marry or something. Anyway, as I kept chatting to her, I found out she not only had 1 but 2 ex boyfriends. And she used to tell me in a roundabout way that they may not have been sikhs.

Anyway eventually she texts me one day that in the past I think 1 or both of those ex boyfriends had raped her! Also they had pretended to be sikhs and may have been muslims, I can't remember it was time ago?? Also she posted this on a forum, I think it was a sikhi forum but may have been a punjabi discussion forum, I don't think it was sikhsangat forum. So I think she wrote on the forum that she was raped and then she has taken Pahul, and I think she found a Singh who she married, I am sure I remember seeing the Singh's photo posted as well somewhere. This was about 10 or more years ago so memory is a bit fuzzy.

Anyway, the 2 ex-boyfriends thing was enough for me and the rape was an additional SHOCK! I think in the middle of my undergrad career I had talked to enough apney from mostly midlands area online (there used to be a desi chat run by punjabi midlanders back then and it was really popular), to completely keep the girls, who are into dating mentality and have ex-boyfriends, at arm's length when it came for looking for grihast-marriage partner. Even though being a Londoner myself.

I am sure that if i Married a girl with ex boyfriend it would probably ruin at least my marital life, and by extension, my actual life! I was actually shocked when I started finding out Khalsas, or in those days sikhs who called themselves "Amrit-Dharis", were doing dating and making boyfriend-girlfriend instead of having grihast jeevan! And I was young and hadn't been around too many desis before going to uni

For the OP, the only way you will survive is if your wife gets out of this casual dating mentality and looks at you as a grihast life partner. If she is stuck in 'thinking of men as temporary boyfriend partner' mentality then you may need to get out of there, just don't know how.... I mean ok, if this works, then good for you, but if it does not and you may need to marry a girl in India for example, at least the India sikh girls understand girlfriend-boyfriend is not right (definetly the village ones still do), regardless of the reputation india girls are getting as well!

[Kaurr]

23 minutes ago, ipledgeblue said:

lol I remember in my undergrad uni days. I had an dumalla wearing "Singhni" on my MSN messenger. She asked me to come to one of these rehnsbais, and yeh she  was definitely interested in me. She had not even take Pahul / Amrit, but she liked wearing dumalla. Actually asking further questions she told me she had an ex boyfriend as well! During my undergrad life I came across another keski wearing Singhni in Canada who had ran off with a mona boyfriend. And at uni sikh society and other London unis there were Singhnis wearing dumallas or keski, and I am sure some of them had some kind of rep, even if just making boyfriends but still...

 

Wow. Here, if you go to the gurdwara often and get caught having a boyfriend, you'll never hear the end of it, and your parents will have it extremely tough by others around them.

[dallysingh101]

On 8/31/2020 at 6:15 PM, MisterrSingh said:

Advice to young Singhs entering the marriage arena: wake up. You're being taken for 1diots. Use your grey matter instead of your lustful feelings to help make these serious life decisions. You cannot be deceived by these girls if your eyes are open. If you're genuinely seduced by the sight of a dumalla, and assume a Singhni is rehatvaan purely on the basis of her looking the part, then you need to enter the real world.

I think we have a catch 22 situation here. First thing is that being around a wide range of humans (including females) from a young age and keeping your eyes open and wits about you will make you more astute about these things (an older 'streetwise' peer can also play a big part in this). But the type of bundhay under questions are usually closeted and told to keep away from females (until the matter of marriage comes up), stunting their development of this Charitrio Pakyaan type understanding.

Given this, it's hard to imagine them not being highly susceptible to falling into similar situations.   

Females are in the same predicament which explains why so many fall into seriously dubious situations.  

[ipledgeblue]

23 hours ago, Kaurr said:

Wow. Here, if you go to the gurdwara often and get caught having a boyfriend, you'll never hear the end of it, and your parents will have it extremely tough by others around them.

well why are they doing this boyfriend nonsense in the first place? IT is good to see some families have enough respect to understand this is disruptive behaviour, and helps those who get caught up in it to understand!

17 hours ago, dallysingh101 said:

I think we have a catch 22 situation here. First thing is that being around a wide range of humans (including females) from a young age and keeping your eyes open and wits about you will make you more astute about these things (an older 'streetwise' peer can also play a big part in this). But the type of bundhay under questions are usually closeted and told to keep away from females (until the matter of marriage comes up), stunting their development of this Charitrio Pakyaan type understanding.

Given this, it's hard to imagine them not being highly susceptible to falling into similar situations.   

Females are in the same predicament which explains why so many fall into seriously dubious situations.  

I was at that age once, and I know the younger you are the more you are attracted to looks than to personality and other traits.

That is why when elders used to arranged marriages young, it meant that those youngsters could grow up together and have good traits, instead of just trying to look good!

[dallysingh101]

3 hours ago, ipledgeblue said:

 

I was at that age once, and I know the younger you are the more you are attracted to looks than to personality and other traits.

That is why when elders used to arranged marriages young, it meant that those youngsters could grow up together and have good traits, instead of just trying to look good!

I think a bunch of chemicals/hormones kick in that can totally skew your perceptions - it's like being on drugs.

I guess that's also one reason why some people cling onto dysfunctional abusive 'relationships' when they would run a mile if they could perceive their own situation with some measure of objectivity. 

[GurjantGnostic]

2 hours ago, dallysingh101 said:

I think a bunch of chemicals/hormones kick in that can totally skew your perceptions - it's like being on drugs.

Drugs and the poly peptide chains that are either the product or cause of our emotions, depending on your perspective, fit into the same brain receptors. It really is like we are intoxicated with emotions.