Fellow Parents advice/guidance No children please

[Guest Mrs N]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Wahguru ji ki fateh sangat ji

Please note this topic is not for children or young adults. I am hoping for some guidance/advice from fellow parents.

Our eldest daughter recently got married and thankfully me and my daughters have always had quite a close bond. We tend have regular girl talk and always share any difficulties we may face.

So as I was saying our eldest recently got married - she asked me a question that was quite sensitive - regarding the intimacy between her and her husband. Basically, my daughter asked me whether certain sexual practices between husband and wife were forbidden in Sikhi? I told her fair and square that I honestly did not know. I said all I do know is according to our maryada husband and wife should never be unfaithful outside of marriage and the relationship between husband and wife should be respectful and honest. I explained how we should try to refrain from too much Kaam as it wouldn't be good for our jeevan. A Gursikh couple should try to aim to better each other towards Gurbani and maryada. But my daughter said that they try to read as much Baani as possible and refrain from the 4 kurets but they wanted to explore intimacy as a couple at different levels.  Embarrassed as my daughter felt when I asked her to explain what exact practices did she mean?  She did tell me but I don't feel it would be suitable for me to mention them here (young Sangat)... My daughter explained that she and her husband like to keep things alive intimately to avoid things from becoming repetitive, boring and mundane (much like our generation! haha) but were still worried if they do not want to break their maryada... We had a bit of a chuckle as I did say that our generation regarding marriage and intimacy was very different and now the world is much more modern I can only imagine relationships and couples have evolved too. So benti to fellow mums/parents could you advice me what the answer to this question is? Seeing as children nowadays tend to experiment a lot more intimately in a marriage what is the maryada? Are there any intimate practices Gursikh couples are to refrain from or is all fine between couples?

I do apologise for talking about this subject so openly but I really am stuck as I find it difficult to ask friends or other family members for advice...Thank you all.

Waheguru ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh ji

[Guest Mrs P]

Your mind and attention can only delve deeper into kaam in my opinion. I certainly wouldn’t advise her to go down that avenue. I hope that makes sense. We do have a young audience here as you rightly mentioned so I very much doubt you will receive many replies. 

[Guest Singh]

Being young and curious!

1 - How important is Sikhi to you? Are you willing to commit to it for rest of your life?

2 - as long as it’s not a bujjer kuhret, if you are curious you should do something once, just to experience it and be able to move on.

I say this because my parents were overly strict & controlling about lots of stuff. When I got to uni I had freedom to do as I wish. Ok I’m talking more about fashion like tying my hair back, meeting who I want (girls - just as friends), attending parties, and few other things, not intimate relationship stuff. Other things I can’t write, not kuhrets but just silly things I was curious about + I didn’t have amrit then. 

But point is if you can’t stop thinking about something, then just do it once and put your mind at rest. I knew Sikhi is what I want and now I still follow it seriously. I look back and am happy I tried some things and realised there’s nothing special in it anyway, not compared to Sikhi and naam

[Guest jigsaw_puzzled-singh]

On 8/11/2020 at 2:49 PM, Guest Mrs N said:

 

Our eldest daughter recently got married ......

So as I was saying our eldest recently got married..... 

My daughter explained that she and her husband like to keep things alive intimately to avoid things from becoming repetitive, boring and mundane

Only "recently" got married and already trying to keep things alive in the bedroom 'less they get "repetitive and boring" ?       One of your statements is obviously a lie but.....if it's true....seeing how she and her husband have already reached the stage after a few short weeks that all other married couples reach after 25 + years of marriage it is clear that this is a marriage for life. 

[MisterrSingh]

I'll be frank because there's no point in sugar coating it. Your obtuseness is infuriating.

Your son-in-law most likely wishes to recreate, with your daughter, various pornographic scenes he's witnessed and jacked-off to over the years. Reading between the lines, it will be a demeaning and uncomfortable experience for your daughter, but not wishing to upset her husband she will go ahead with his requests. 

Your son-in-law is a clown. He's a victim of the Jewish pornographers who've preyed upon humanity with this degeneracy that is partly responsible for the problems facing the world.

The couple are Gursikh? Frig me. Bare kaljug. He needs his head stamped on, then ask him if he wants to cosplay as Ben Dover. 

[Koi]

The answer to this is actually going to be subject to interpretation and various opinions. Physical intimacy is indeed a very sacred and private thing between husband and wife, and should be treated as such.

Firstly, there should be no kurehit. The intimacy should (obviously) be between husband and wife only. No other people. (Sorry, I know this is an obvious point, but this is probably the most important point).

Next, keep it to the privacy of the bedroom. If you get caught outside, you get arrested. 

Now, in terms of the intimacy itself, do not do anything that would hurt the other. Or more precisely, do not go beyond the threshold of pain (goes for both involved). Communication is extremely important here. Be very open about what you want.

And finally, the point about things being "demeaning and uncomfortable". To be totally honest, this will depend person to person. And contrary to popular belief, a lot if guys struggle with this too. Again, this will come down to communication.

If they want, they should research. And by that, I don't mean watch gandh (as per the previous post). There is plenty of legitimate research material out there backed by science to aid them in this part of their life.

The problem we face is we are too "Victorian", too conservative about this topic. So when someone does actually question us, we end up behaving like brahmchari sadhus who don't have a clue. Then our kids go off to experiment themselves, and come back pregnant with a sack full of STDs.

Just to add a small point, yes, over indulgence is not good. It's fine in the beginning of a marriage, but like all other aspects of a marriage, it will balance out with time.

And finally, I'm glad to see you and your daughter can actually have the conversation.

[learningkaur]

She’s a big girl, if she wants to do whatever this is (I’m not entirely clear what it is) and if she is thinking about it enough to ask her mother then it’s the same as doing it. Clearly it’s on her mind.

The whole wanting to explore to keep things from being repetitive is just a bit odd for an amritdhari couple. Hopefully after some time it will calm down and it won’t be so important, I’m sure that will naturally come with age and after kids etc... it’s the honeymoon period right now.

[S1ngh]

On 8/31/2020 at 11:07 AM, Guest jigsaw_puzzled-singh said:

Only "recently" got married and already trying to keep things alive in the bedroom 'less they get "repetitive and boring" ?       One of your statements is obviously a lie but.....if it's true....seeing how she and her husband have already reached the stage after a few short weeks that all other married couples reach after 25 + years of marriage it is clear that this is a marriage for life. 

Yes. Such topics seems so fake. I suspect one serious twisted mind lurking on our forums. 

[Guest Jigsaw_Puzzled_Singh]

11 hours ago, S1ngh said:

Yes. Such topics seems so fake. I suspect one serious twisted mind lurking on our forums. 

 Yes there's a never ending circle of these fake advice type threads here on this forum. They always follow the same old pattern. The 'Guest' who posts them deliberately leaves enough clues in the opening message that reveal enough holes in the story to know that it's fake but obviously gets a kick and a laugh out of sitting back and enjoying how the majority on this forum can't spot the obvious anomalies in the story and actually go ahead and give actual advice as if it's a real story 

The never ending pattern- step by step -  works like this :

1) A 'guest' makes up a story and starts a brand new advice thread here

2) The Mods / Admin can't seem to spot the obvious fact that the same old 'guests' are making up the same old type of stories and so actually post the thread after moderation.

3) Another 'guest' - probably the same 'guest' that invented the story in the first place - comes along and gives out extensive advice of the standard you'd expect from a psychologist / councellor

4) The usual bunch of regular posters on this forum treat it as if it were a real story and start giving advice.

5) The 'guest' OP sits back and can't believe just how gullible people on here are and has a great laugh before making up another story and repeating the process.

 

[jkvlondon]

to this 'concerned mother'

1. your job as a Mother was to bring up your child to become a well adjusted gursikh human adult - if you have done that , hand over the reins to your child and back off.

2. It is not your daughter's place to be manipulated by others including her husband , the advice is if you  don't want to do something say so , her consent is always a requirement .

3. If you didn't know what to say , don't make up stuff just say I don't know

4. Yes I believe this a BS post  but it is important to be realistic and say that sikhi  married life is supposed to Guru centric not Kaam centric so the focus needs to be adjusted if life is dragging you that way. Love your life partner, build a life together but your aim is more than that- you have a destination point to strive for :together